Suck it

Lauren pt 4

I didn't leave my room all weekend. The amount of tear-jerkers on Netflix could have kept me in bed for a whole month if I didn't have school. 

My mom was worried, she kept bringing my food, but never asked what happened.

I kept my phone off and downstairs. It's Monday morning and it's still probably fully charged.

I lay in bed, staring out the window at my old tree house. Me and Miranda use to play in everyday in grade school. 

I'm sure she was texting and calling me all weekend so that she could tell me about her date.

Is it bad I don't care?

I finally rolled out of  bed and put the on gray leggings, my periwinkle over-sized sweater and tan leather boots that I laid out last night. 

My wavy hair wasn't too out of control so I left it and went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and put on a coat of mascara. Dressing up didn't seem as important as it use to be. 

I came downstairs to chocolate chip pancakes, orange juice, and apple. My mouth watered and my stomached growled.

I grabbed my phone and turned it on while I started eating. 

123 texts, 22 missed calls, 35 snapchats. I had half a mind to turn it back off.

I looked in my messages and saw texts from Brooks, Miranda, our cheerleading groupchat,

Missed calls were mainly from Brooks but there were a few from Miranda and Mom.

I opened up the messages from Brooks:

Are you fucking serious I can't believe you played me like that

Do you have any idea how you mad you make me

That freshman meant nothing and you know

You're blowing it out of proportion

Are you serious? You're really not going to answer?

You can be a real bitch and you know it

Forget it. It's not even worth it

I scrolled past all the angry messages from Friday night to the messages Saturday morning

Ok, I shouldn't have freaked last night, I'm sorry. Can we please talk? I can pick you up and we can get food tonight? Just to talk. 

Two hours later:

Please answer me, I know you're not asleep

An hour later:

Forget it. I don't know why I keep trying.

I skimmed the rest of them. It was just a roller coaster of messages, some mad, some apologetic, and some of him giving up. 

I went to Miranda's texts, only a couple. I didn't read them, just went to the last one saying that she was getting a ride today instead and couldn't take me. I grabbed the keys to mom's car since she probably walked again. 

As I pulled up to the school, my stomach started to hurt. Reading those texts left me emotionless. Either I'm too sad to react to anything or I just truly am not feeling anything right now. But now I just did not want to face anyone in person.

First block dragged on, second wasn't too bad, and third block I fell asleep so the morning went pretty quickly. I was at my locker getting my lunch when I finally checked my phone. There was a good amount of texts there. None from Brooks but a couple from group chats and Miranda separately. 

"Wow, is that a new style? Who knew actual homeless people went to this fancy high school." I turned around and saw JJ smiling, holding up a Dunkin Donuts bag. "Strawberry donut with sprinkles." I couldn't help but smile. A friendly face. He was at my house by the time I pulled in. He was putting his bike down and in between the fence and my garage, our secret hiding spot from when we were kids.

He stayed over until 4 in the morning. At first I couldn't talk. And we sat in silence. Then after about a half hour, I couldn't stop talking. I told him everything and anything that happened at the game. He said he didn't end up staying the whole time anyway. 

"You didn't have to do that," I said, still smiling. He shrugged.

"Yeah well, who goes into to Dunkin Donuts and only buys one donut? I had to get 2." I took the bag and immediately started eating. I was starving. And this was a good pick me up.

"Do you have lunch now?" I asked, half chewing the fresh donut.

"Nah, I have French. But it's across the hall so I thought I would come say hi...." He smiled, looked around at the hallway that was clearing up and then back at me," so yeah, hi."

"Hi," why can't  I wipe this smile off my face? The tardy bell rang and he nodded as he ran back to his room. 

"So you're fucking him now?" I turn around and faced Brooks. His hair was a mess, he had big, dark circles under his eyes. His shirt was wrinkled and he smelled like straight alcohol. 

"Are you okay?" I ask, more concerned with his well-being that whatever words just came out of his mouth.

"You didn't answer. Guess it's true. You think you're too good to answer your phone?" He said, swaying a bit.

"Brooks I turned off my phone Friday night. I haven't turned it back on." I saw him soften a bit. He didn't look angry, just upset. 

"What about this morning? What about right now?"

"I haven't had a good chance to look at it." I paused and studied him again, "do you want to go get food? You smell like a bar." He didn't say anything, just nodded. 

We went to a diner in Belver. I drove without saying anything, he sat in the passenger seat, silent.

Once we were seated and we ordered, I broke the silence.

"Want to tell me why you look like that?"

"You didn't answer me all weekend. I couldn't handle it."

"I didn't answer anyone all weekend."

"Why? I mean I know we got in a fight, but that doesn't mean you stop answering me. And what about Miranda? Do you know how many times we called each other to figure out what was going on?" He was starting to raise his voice.

"Brooks, you're not my boyfriend anymore. And how we fought Friday night was scary. Then Miranda didn't care I was upset because Josh asked her out. I needed a break from it all. Clear my head."

"And that Belv kid? He wasn't included in that? Bringing you food? I mean, how many times did you guys fuck before you got him to do that?" 

"Brooks stop right there. That Belvs kid has a name. It's JJ. We are not together. We are not a thing. We haven't had sex or kissed or anything. You don't get to speak to me like that. Even if I had hooked up with him, it still would have been okay since I don't have a fucking boyfriend. I am not the cheater here. You slept with someone else-"

"And I have tried apologizing over and over again to you Lauren! But it's never good enough for you is it?" He slammed his hands on the time and was yelling at this point. I saw one of the waiters heading our way.

"Is everything okay here?" The waiter was looking at me.

"Yes, sorry about the noise." The waiter nodded and left, not before he gave Brooks a stern look.

"I'm sorry, okay? I can't help it. I don't want to think about you with someone else. I know I fucked up. In the worst possible way. It makes me sick. I don't want to lose you. I tried giving you space, but I can't. I want you. All of you. It will never, ever, ever happen again. I swear."

He gave me a pleading look. He took my hand and looked me dead in the face.