beauty behind the madness | the weeknd

11

Rose

"How is she?" I hear Tesfaye's voice from downstairs.

"The same," my mum answers softly. "She hasn't eaten properly or slept properly."

"Has she taken anything or drunk anything?" Tesfaye asks.

"No," my mum replies.

That's only because you've been watching me like a hawk, I think bitterly to myself.

It's been a week since Emma's death. I missed the funeral - I just didn't have it in me to say goodbye. I can't believe she's not here anymore. And why's that? Because of the drugs, the alcohol. It's all my damn fault! If I didn't decide to have the party, she would be here, not six feet under.

After they determined the cause of Emma's death, I told my mum everything - about the drugs, the drinking, the nights at clubs. She didn't even get mad. Instead, she just cried and hugged me. She made me promise that I wouldn't do any of those things again. She said that after everything went back to normal, she'd get me all the help I need to get better again. I have to make sure I get better because I don't want to end up like Emma and I don't want my mum to be alone. She was a mess after my dad died. Who knows what she'd be like if I wasn't here, too?

My bedroom door opens and Tesfaye and my mum stand in the doorway, staring at me. Tesfaye looks like he hasn't had any sleep.

"I'll go get you a coffee," my mum tells Tesfaye, who nods and thanks her.

He walks over to my bed and sits on the edge. I just watch in silence, not saying a word. "Hey," he says softly. I don't respond. I just look into the distance, at a spot on the wall. I feel the warmth of his hand on mine and he squeezes it. "This is a dumb question, but how are you feeling?"

I look at him. I want to speak, but I can't bring myself to. I just end up crying and he folds me into a hug. I stay in his embrace for a long time until I hear the sound of my mum coming up the stairs.

She hands Tesfaye his coffee and he thanks her. "So, Rose," she says brightly. "Abel was telling me that when you're feeling better to go back to school, he can give you tuition classes, so you're caught up." I look from my mum to Tesfaye and nod slightly. "And I've enrolled you at a support group." She adds the last part in quickly. She's probably scared that I'll get angry at her.

I manage to smile shakily. "Okay," I say and her eyes grow wide. This is the first time I've spoken in the past week ever since I told her about my addiction. Tesfaye looks shocked too, but then smiles. I lean forward, stretching my back. "Mum? Can you get me a glass of water?" I see the tears in her eyes and she nods and leaves the room. I turn back to Tesfaye when I'm sure that she's reached the bottom of the stairs. "I didn't thank you," I tell him. "For that night."

Tesfaye takes my hand in his and squeezes it. "It's fine," he tells me. He stays silent for a minute before speaking again. "I'm really sorry about Emma." I nod my head and thank him.

"It's funny and disgusting how her death woke me up," I say out aloud, more to myself then him. 

Tesfaye shoots me a questioning look. "What do you mean?" he questions.

"Her death just made me realise how bad my addiction was - is," I answer. "I had to see that my own best friend died because of it to make me stop. I just keep thinking that that could've been me. I could've been dead."

Tesfaye squeezes his eyes shut, as if the words sting him. "But it's not," he says softly. "It's not you - it will never be you. Because you're gonna get better. I'm gonna make sure of it. I'm here for you. And your mum. We're both here. You're not alone." He leans his forehead against mine and strokes my cheek and I smile.

I'm going to get better - I have to.