beauty behind the madness | the weeknd

33

Abel

"Abel?" she says, eyes growing wide. A confused look is painted across her face and it changes into sadness and then into anger. I just stare back, too, the breath catching in my throat. What are the odds that I'd bump into her after three years of not seeing each other on the night of the opening of my nightclub? I mean, I know she goes NYU, but I didn't know that I'd actually bump into her - even if I do live here too.

I still remember the last time I saw her. It was after she walked out on me after she told me that she loved me. I couldn't say it back - and I've regretted it ever since. It wasn't until she told me the second time that she didn't want to be with me that I realised that I did actually love her. Why did it take me that long to realise my true feelings for her? And why couldn't I say it back?

We continue to stare at each other now. I snap myself out from my daze and just smile, but her eyes go hard. She seems to look annoyed. "What are you doing here?" she asks angrily.

"Well, it is my club, so . . ." I reply. She starts to walk away, but I quickly grab her arm and pull her back. "Rose, wait," I say.

She spins around, eyes blazing. "What do you want, Abel?" Rose snaps.

"To talk," I answer. "Please. Let's just go for a coffee or something. We can catch up."

Rose looks at me bitterly and folds her arms across her chest. "I don't want to catch up," she says through gritted teeth. "I don't want anything to do with you, okay? Just leave me alone." She starts to walk up the stairs and almost trips and falls. I quickly catch her and she pulls out my grasp quickly. I smile to myself. This just reminds me of three years ago when I caught her at a club. Rose starts walking up the stairs again, this time gripping the railing. I follow her, my eyes trailing down her body. "Abel," she mumbles. "Just leave me alone, okay?"

"Not until you agree to go for a coffee with me," I say pointedly, while continuing to follow her. 

"Then have fun following me around," Rose says bitterly. "Stupid dog." She mutters the last bit under her breath, but I hear it and laugh to myself. When she turns the corner, she quickly spins around. "Are you seriously going to follow me?" she snaps.

"Yes," I say, scratching the back of my head. 

"I could have you arrested for stalking me," Rose states, edging closer to me.

I lean in closer too, staring into her eyes. "You won't do that, though," I say softly. I look from her eyes to her lips. I want nothing more than to kiss her, but I know that I hurt her and she'd push me away and probably punch me.

"Try me," Rose whispers. She looks away and sighs. "Look, if I go for a coffee with you, will you leave me alone?" I nod, grinning and start walking towards my car and she follows. When we reach my car, I open the door for her gets in, without looking me in the eye. Does she hate me that much? She can't even look me in the eye properly. 

I get in the car and start the engine. "How have you been?" I ask Rose as I start driving. She doesn't answer at first. Thinking that she's fallen to sleep, I turn my head to look at her, but find that she's just staring out the window. "You're not gonna talk to me?"  

Rose turns to look at me for what feels like forever, before opening her mouth to speak. "Let's just save the small talk for later, Abel," she says simply. I can hear her voice is tinged with tears and I bite my lip, feeling bad. I start cursing myself.

"Look," I say. "You don't have to say anything right now. I'm sorry that I hurt you, okay? I didn't mean to. When you told me that you loved me, I just . . . it just came as a shock to me. It wasn't until later that I realised that I lo-" I trail off, wondering if I should say it or not. If I tell her, I don't know what kind of reaction I'll get. I mean, it's not like we can go back to being us, is it? It's been three years, we both have probably changed. And she might not even feel the same way that she did three years ago.

"That you what?" Rose asks, still staring into the distance. 

I chew on the inside of my cheek, mentally debating with myself. "Nothing," I say, shaking my head. Even now, three years later, I can't say it. What's wrong with me? Why can't I just tell her? I pull up outside of a 24 hour diner. We go inside and sit down at the window seats. The waitress comes over and we order two coffees. I watch Rose as she stares outside the window. She looks so beautiful and lost. When she turns to look at me, I try to look away, but I can't tear my eyes away from her face. My eyes trail down her face.

"What?" Rose asks. 

I shake my head. "You're just really beautiful," I tell her. She shakes her head and starts playing with the necklace around her neck. I realise that it's the one that I gave to her on her 18th birthday. I smile. "You still wear that?" Rose looks down at the necklace and quickly lets go.

"Yeah," she answers quietly. "It may sound cheesy, but I wear it as a reminder." 

The waitress comes over with our coffees and Rose thanks her.

"A reminder for what?" I want to know.

Rose looks me in the eye. "Of my first heartbreak," she answers and I look at her, seeing the hurt in her eyes. "Anyway," she says. "What are you doing in New York? And how long have you been here for?"

"I moved here a couple of months ago," I reply and she nods.

"You really own that club?" Rose questions and I nod. She blows at her coffee and takes a sip.

"How's college?" I want to know.

Rose smiles. "It's good," she says. "I'm graduating next month."

I grin. "That's good! I'm proud of you," I tell her, squeezing her hand.

She stares down at my hand on hers and then looks up at me. "I have a boyfriend," she quickly says out of nowhere. I feel the grin quickly wipe away from my face. Boyfriend? I pull my hand away from hers. Well, what did I expect? That she'd be single? 

"How long have you been together?" I want to know, trying not to sound jealous. 

"Two years," she answers. 

Two years?! I chew the inside of my jaw, feeling bitter and jealous. I start to wonder what it'd be like if I told her that I loved her three years ago. Would we still be together? Would we be happy? "I - I'm happy for you," I manage to say now and she studies me, trying to figure out if I really am. "Are you happy with him?"

Rose nods her head. "Yeah," she says. She suddenly goes all dreamy and I fight the urge to scowl. "He makes me happy. I love him." Love. That word makes my insides twist and I dig my nails into my hand, suddenly feeling angry. I could've been that guy. If only I didn't make the mistake of not telling her that I loved her. Rose snaps out of her dreamy daze and looks at me and smiles. "How about you? Are you dating any one?"

"Oh, yeah," I say. "It's a different girl every week." Rose freezes and raises her eyebrows, looking unimpressed. "I'm joking," I say. Rose rolls her eyes and shakes her head. "Still rolling your eyes, I see."

"Shut up, Tesfaye," Rose says, letting out a breathy laugh. She looks down at her phone. "Um, I should get going. It's late." She starts to get up.

"Wait!" I say quickly. "Don't go yet. Let's just talk some more. Please."

Rose chews her lip, considering. I see her eyes water. "What more do you want to talk about, Abel?" she asks. "The fact that you broke my heart? You were the first person I ever loved and you broke my heart. How could you do that to me?" The tears are streaming down her face and I feel a lump form in my throat.

"I'm sorry," I say. "I am so sorry. Trust me, Rose. I beat myself up about it every day - even now. I hate that I hurt you. I want to make it up to you. Tell me what I can do to make it up to you?" I sound pathetic, but I don't care. I need to make things up to her. Whatever it takes for her to forgive me, I'm gonna do it.

Rose looks me in the eye, considering. She wipes the tears away. "Stay away from me, that's what you can do," she whispers. I watch her as she walks away from me for the second time.