Thug Passion

Chapter two: Getting Back to Life..

My mom took me to the doctors to see why I was having these attacks. It was messing with my heart rate and my breathing so my mom thought maybe it was serious. Shanny and Auja tagged along too just to make sure I was okay. And while we waited I delivered the good news to them about college. Shanny gave me a hug and Auja joined in. "That's great." Auja said. "Yeah I mean you and I will be together, because I got accepted too.' Shanny said shrieking. I smile even bigger knowing that I won't be alone. Our mini celebration came to a brief stop as the doctor came back in ready to deliver news about my health. "Miss Jones,  I understand that you recently dealt with a death in the family." He said. I nodded my head closing my eyes. "Well what your experiencing is completely normal for your situation. It's almost like a shock that stimulates your body and sometimes it may be hard to breath, or feel like you can't breath at all. I recommend you see a therapist so that you have someone to talk to about anything. Her name is Dr. Willow Harris she is an amazing therapist, and she happens to be my wife. She will work with you and help you figure out better coping methods that will eventually reduce your panic attacks. But for now I'm going to prescribe you a respiratory inhaler for when you do strike out. I hope that everything gets better for you and your family, and I'm really sorry for your loss." He said handing me a prescription paper. 

  Yeah I was sorry too, and even though it kills me to say this, I knew deep down in my heart that this was something I would never get over, and all I really wanted was a blunt and maybe a good drink. Auja and Shanny had something different in mind. They wanted to go out to eat. I hadn't really eaten anything in almost three months and the weight loss was crazy. They seen it and I knew it was bad, and if I didn't get my health together I soon would end up in the hospital not doing things that would make my sister proud. That was how I did it. Every second, of every minute, of every hour I told myself to do things that would make my sister proud. And over the next few weeks this method seemed to be working, but it was that damn room. It was walking past her room to get to mine. It was keeping my hand on the door knob to walk in and send memories rushing back to me and hitting me like a tow truck. It smacked me hard and I snapped out, blacking out and never having my inhaler near by. It was always seeing pictures around the house of us as kids, and her when she graduated high school or her making silly faces in my pictures. Then it was facebook ,and instagram, and twitter. For awhile people sent me messages telling me how they are praying for me and my family and how they are so sorry for what happened. Friends who claimed they cared and would be there if I ever needed anything. These were the moments that placed me back where I started, way past the point where I dug the nails out the basement door with my bare hands. I couldn't get back to living my life, because I didn't know if I had the same life so now I have to start over. College starts soon, and I have to create a new life that hopefully will make everything better... or easier.. or something.

  Shanny and Auja made it their personal duty to come get me and take me out of the house everyday. Never missing a beat they came everyday. Monday through Sunday. I loved my girls and little by little I found the courage to come out and explore more. This weekend we were going out to the mall to go shopping for things for our dorms. Auja wasn't going to Spellman, she got in just had a better opportunity somewhere in New York. Of course we didn't want her to leave, but she had to do what was best for her and the program the university offered her was a once in a lifetime chance. She'd be a fool not to take it. We  were in a gallery looking at bed comforters and pillows, and bean bags. Everything you could ever need was in this one spot.  I decided that pockadot looked great in light purple, black and pink. It was the ultimate girl color. We found curtains, bathroom materials was full of zebra stripes. Zebra shower curtain, the toilet seat cover, everything down to zebra striped flat irons. For moment I wasn't caught up in my inner thoughts and my smile was genuine. Nikko would be proud, he always said I never smiled a real smile, it was just one of my many fake ones. Angel would be glad that I'm not in the house crying, and I was glad too...

  "Yo Kennia. I got something for you." Auja said to me while we were in the car waiting for Shanny to stop flirting with the store clerk. "Awe', you got me something?" I asked looking over at her. "Yeah, but you can't open it until you get to your dorm." She said handing me the box wrapped really pretty in colorful striped wrappng paper with a giant pink ribbon tied around it. I looked at her a little uneasy. "Why is that?" I asked. "When you open it you'll know. Just promise me you won't peak at it until you get to Spellman." She asked. "I promise." I say sticking the medium sized box in my bag. "Hey ya'll sorry bout that. Now that we got dorms out the way lets do some real shopping." Shanny said starting the car. I looked out the window wondering what was in the gift box as we rolled out. I'm trying to get it together, I am I'm trying. The sun kissed my face through the glass as we passed a couple of buildings. I know I can do this. Nikko, and Angel knows I can too. 

  All day we been shopping and all day I carried heavy ass bags from stored I don't normally shop in. I picked up a few numbers from some guys who looked interested in having a good time. It didn't come back to me over night, but little by little I felt me coming back to life, coming back to reality. I've been seeing Dr. Willow Harris three times a week, and she has been helping too, and the only reason I needed to get it together was because Orientation was coming up soon, and I didn't want to be a damaged mess showing up. I mean I was a damaged mess, but everyone didn't need to know that. Spellman is a college strictly for women and a little piece of me really hated that, but then I heard the type of action Spellman really gets into, and then I felt a little more ease with things. My mom, and step dad drove me up here with all my things packed in the back of the car. They waited for me to get my room together and Shanny and I made the arrangements to have the same room. I was given my key to my room and my mom and dad unpacked my things. My mom gave me a hug and kissed my forehead. "Be careful, be safe, and kick em in the balls." She said to me. I seen her eyes water as she held me close. Her words echoed through my ears. It never failed. Those were the same words she always told me and Angel before we ever left the house. even if it meant just going down the street. She kissed me one last time and told me to call her when I got settled down. 

   Shanny and I spent pretty much that night fixing our room and getting everything together, because tomorrow we would go out, and scope out the campus. The next morning Shanny woke me up and told me to get dressed. I waited for her to get out the shower and picked out a cute little outfit. I found a high waist black flare out skirt with a royal blue crop top shirt. After finally being able to clean my body, once I got out, I curled my hair out and put on my royal blue low top oxfords similar to the one Angel used to wear. I had on light pink revlon lipstick and did a nice cat eye. I grabbed a Louis V. bag and dumped a whole bunch of things into my purse including my phone and key to my dorm. I was ready to get my life. When we stepped out the sun hit me light brown legs and then my hazel eyes, that caught the attention of a couple of guys floating around on campus. But there was one in particular who caught my attention...