How Long Will I Love You

Five

FIVE

“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear ugly, happy birthday to you.” He grins at me, thrusting a present into my chest and pulling me into a hug.

I make sure not to melt into his warm arms but I can’t help the frown that etches my way along my face. I hated it when he called me that.

It was a name Judy started calling me- immature, I know- and sometimes he would call me it too. Though he said it was only for a joke.

Surely he doesn’t think I’m actually ugly?

I wasn’t the prettiest; I hated to admit that Judy was prettier than me. But I never thought myself as ugly and I always took care of my appearance.

I wish he knew how much I hated it.

But I can’t say, otherwise he’ll get mad and say it’s just a joke. Like always. I don’t want him mad on my birthday. I want him to be happy.

This is our day.

“Thank you.” I beam, pushing all thoughts aside.

“You’re welcome.”

“You didn’t have to.”

“I know.” I smile sheepishly at that, a small blush at my cheeks. I couldn’t believe I was already fifteen. And he had been with me every step of the way.

“Oh.” Is all I say.

“It was only a fiver from Asda anyway.” He winks at me and I try not to look disappointed. It’s the thought that counts.

“Okay.” I mumble, placing it down on the table after revealing itself to me; a soft red hairband with flowers dotted around the rim.

“I love you.” He says suddenly and my heart stops, my throat closes and my brow starts to sweat.

Was this another dream? I pinch myself hard discreetly. Hiding a wince, I shake my head. It was definitely real. Was he finally confessing to me? I grin so wide my whole face hurts but I feel like I could cry. I have been waiting for this for so long.

So, so long.

He pulls me into another tight hug and I immediately wrap my arms around him, smiling stupidly into his chest.

“You’re my best friend.” He murmurs into my hair, kissing my head.

My smile instantly drops.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

He would never like me. I’m kidding myself. I should’ve known. It was too good to be true.

“I know.” It’s all I can say in this moment. He pulls away from me, not even noticing my change in mood.

“Well, I’m sorry to cut this meeting short, but I hope you have a great birthday.” He ruffles my hair like I’m a five year old. I bite my lip, frowning.

“Where are you going?” I can’t help but ask. He rolls his eyes and sighs.

“More questions?” he whines exasperatedly, “I’m meeting Judy if you must know. I’m finally taking her out on a date. I’m so excited, it’s unbelievable. I really like her.” He carries on talking about her then and my heart plummets, my eyes darken and everything around me becomes a blur. I curl my hands into tight fists and resist the urge to punch him square in the jaw.

How could he do this to me? And on my birthday?

Tears prick at my eyes and I’m breathing heavily. He doesn’t notice; he never does. He never cares how I feel. He never sees the pain but it’s there. I’m just good at pretending all’s well even when it’s not.

How could he?

“Are you mad?” I shake my head, “you seem mad.” I shake my head, “you have no right to be mad,” I nod my head, “you should be happy for me, you know I fancy her,” I nod my head, “have a great birthday,” I nod my head.

Then he walks away and I can’t tell him how I really feel because I can’t lose him. He means too much to me. But he’s so blind to my feelings.

Slowly, it’s killing me.

Once he’s out of sight, I sink to the ground and cry. I cry until I can’t anymore.

He always did this. He always hurt me.

But I still loved him.

*****