How Long Will I Love You

Fourteen

FOURTEEN

The timing couldn’t be any more wrong. I was just going to mess everything up but it was something I had to do. It was my last chance and the worst he could was say no.

And break my heart.

I thought that maybe finding a boyfriend would help me get over him but I was clearly wrong judging by the mess Joe’s and I relationship is. He can’t even look at me anymore when I pass him through the hallways and I feel terrible. A mass of guilt resting on my shoulders.

I sigh and continue to trudge through the hallways and towards his dressing room. My black heels click against the cold, marble flooring.

They were getting married in a lovely manor house two hours away from home. Their reception was to be held there too. It was a great venue.

Once I reach his door, I stand there awkwardly for two or three minutes before realising the ceremony would be starting in just over ten minutes.

I take a deep breath, weld my eyelids shut and raise my fist to bang on the door loudly. My breath is shaky and I’m trembling as he swings the door open and I’m taken aback at how charming he looks in a suit. His eyes widen but then he grins and looks me up and down.

“You look great. Guess I can’t call you ugly anymore, huh?” he jokes but sobers up once he notices my rigid frame. His hand reaches out and places itself on my shoulder. I let out a long breath before looking up and meeting his wide eyes.

“We need to talk." He immediately acts and pulls me into the small room but I still notice the way his eyes quickly flicker to the clock and he frowns, letting out a barely audible sigh. I pretend I don’t hear him and instead focus on taking slow, steady breaths.

I’ve never been a brave, upfront person.

“Okay, what’s wrong?” he takes a seat opposite mine and leans forward, elbows resting on his knees and his hands clasped tightly together.

He was so young to be getting married at only twenty, three years after first getting together with Judy.

“I have something important to tell you.”

“Okay.” His brow furrows and he nods at me to continue.

“I… I-uh- I don’t know if you feel the same, but erm, that’s okay… I guess…” I trail off awkwardly and curse myself under my breath for acting like such an idiot.

“Alright?” he says unsure.

“I’m just going to come out and say it…” I take deep breath and in one blow, “I think I’m kind of in love with you.” I bite my lip and squeeze my eyes shut.

Then suddenly he laughs, picks me up and twirls me around screaming of his love for me too and then we kiss tenderly and-

I peek out of one eye to see his mouth hanging open. He’s leaning back against the chair and his eyes are a wide as saucers. He trails a hand through his once neat, combed hair and continues to gawp at me.

I shift uncomfortable under his gaze and twiddle my thumbs together, my eyes resting on my lap and my cheeks blushing an atrocious red.

Both of us are silent for a long while before he moves to stand up and shrugs on his jacket. He turns around and places a hand against the door knob. I watch him discreetly before gazing upon the small clock that tells me only three more minutes before he has to leave and get married to his bride.

I can already feel the tears running down my cheeks as I wonder whether he is seriously going to leave me here after I proclaimed my feelings to him.

“I’m so sorry.” He mutters quietly and I breathe out. Nothing more needs to be said.

I gently close my eyes and let my face fall into my open palms.

It’s over, it’s done. I sob.

“I only love Judy. I’ve never loved you like that. Ever. I’m sorry. I-I never realised that’s how you felt. I think it’s probably best if we spend some time apart. I don’t think I feel comfortable around you anymore. It’s just awkward and I’m sorry it has to be that way. I won’t tell Judy anything and you can still go to the wedding if you want.” I wish he would stop talking there but instead he keeps going on about how perfect Judy is for him and how she is the one.

I’ve never felt so much mental pain in my life. It’s suffocating. I keep crying and I don’t stop until it’s half an hour into the ceremony and he is long gone.

I hate him.

I hate hate hate him.

He never cared about me. He still doesn’t care. Everyone’s right; I’m better off without him.

He always did this. He always hurt me.

But I still loved him.

*****