Dipping Into Together

Ch 33

My footsteps sound loud to my ears, but everything is unusually sharp to me right now. I walk quickly, trying to get there before I can talk myself out of it. I walk past a dozen headstones before I reach hers, and when I do, my heart leaps into my throat and my mouth dries. When I realize that I'm shaking, I sink down onto the ground and close my eyes.

When I open my eyes they're filled with tears, but I know that I'm not about to fall apart. I'm stronger than that. It's been weeks since I've opened Jonah's letter, and Aunt Mel and I have done a lot of talking since then. I've learned a lot about myself in these past weeks, but mostly I've learned that I can get past anything. It might be hard, it might take a long time, but I can do it. I smile at my mother's tombstone.

"Hi, Mom." I laugh humorlessly. "I'm sorry it's been so long. I'm sorry I haven't been to see you. I'm sorry I didn't go to your funeral. I'll regret that for the rest of my life. I'm sorry I left you that day. I'm sorry I never came back. I'm sorry that this happened, but I know now that it doesn't matter if it was my fault or not, because what happened happened. And now it doesn't matter anymore, because I can't change what happened. So I shouldn't spend the present focused and regretting the past, or at least that's what Aung Mel tells me. We should've visited her more before you died. You shouldn't have had to die for me to get close to her, but that's okay. People come into our lives when we need them the most. I remember how sad you were when Daddy died. I was really sad, too. But we should've talked to each other, because I think we could've really helped each other through it. But that's okay too, because it that doesn't matter anymore." I sigh. "Sorry. I'm so sorry for everything, but I also want to thank you. Thank you for saving me. That is how I'll remember you, strong and brave. You are my hero. And I also came because I want to say goodbye. I'm going to Kentucky. Jonah's living with his grandmother on her farm in Kentucky, and I'm going to see him." I smile down at my hands and adjust my sweater. "Apparently his grandmother, Pearl, and Aunt Mel have been talking ever since Jonah went up to live with her." I pause again, before continuing softly, "It took a long time before Aunt Mel could convince me to go see him. But we've talked a lot, and I feel okay about it now. I'm only staying for two weeks when I go to see him, but that's okay, because if he doesn't want to see me, then at least I won't have that long until I can come back home. Aunt Mel thinks he left because he blamed himself, but that can't be true. It's my fault, if it's anyone's. So maybe he left because he couldn't stand to be around me." I close my eyes a second before opening them again. "I've forgiven him. Completely. For leaving me, I mean. For a long time I was so mad that he left me, but now I realize that we're all just trying to do the best we can. And maybe he blames me and wanted to get away, or maybe he just had to get out of this town. Whatever the reason, I'm fine. I know that if he rejects me I'll be okay. I can be happy without him, I think. I know I'm in love with him, and that might not ever go away, but I think I can be happy just knowing that he's safe. I think that could be enough for me."

Above me, storm clouds rumble, and it starts to sprinkle.

"There's no hate left in me, Mom. I don't hate Uncle. I don't know why he did what he did, but I've let go. Maybe something happened to him when he was young that messed him up for life, and maybe it's not an

excuse for what happened," I raise my voice as it starts to pour down rain, and soon I'm shouting, "but I don't care! Because I have to let go in order to move on and be happy! And Mom, I'm happy! For you, I am happy! But it's not just for you, it's for me too, because I want to be alive and move on!" I'm breathing hard and my clothes are soaked, but I'm smiling. Grinning, really. And it is the first time in a long time that it spreads through my whole body, and I'm glowing. I feel so alive. Blinking away the raindrops, I look up at the sky and close my eyes.

I don't know how long I stand there, but when I walk out of the cemetery after it has stopped raining, I feel a new person. I feel reborn.

....