Dipping Into Together

Ch 34

"You're so stupid!" I scream to myself in the empty house. "Stupid!" Am I this weak? Where even the sight of him has me shaking and uncertain about everything that's happened in the past few months? I need to see him. But I can't. I glare out the window, but all I see is my own reflection. It's dark outside, and a little chilly, not thank would know, since I'm currently in the living room yelling at myself. After I got back to the house I took a shower and changed into a pair of light capris and a black tank top. Not knowing what else to do, I walk into the kitchen and rummage through the cupboards until I find a box of Cheerios. I pour them into a bowl along with some milk and sit down at the kitchen table to eat.

I have barely taken my first bite before I am out of the kitchen and down the porch steps, sprinting through the darkness. My bare feet become slick from the moist grass, but I barely notice. I have to see him now. I can't wait a second longer. The moon is bright and sheds some light on the otherwise black world. I feel my way across the creek, dunking my leg in and soaking myself to about the knee. I pull myself up the bank for the second time that day and start to break into a sprint, but I stop myself. I'm suddenly nervous. Much more nervous than I was this afternoon. That was hours ago, but seems like a lifetime. I walk cautiously the rest of the way, and when I come around the bend, I am practically tip-toeing.

The barn doors are open, and there's light spilling out, but Jonah is nowhere in sight. I hold my breath as I creep over to the door. I take a deep breath and peek around the door.

Jonah's lying on the ground, his head resting on a pile of hay. I can tell that he's more muscular than the last time I saw him, and tanner too, as if he's spent hours in the sun. His hair is a little longer, sweeping down to the nape of his neck. He's wearing jeans a T-shirt, and looks exactly like a good ole country boy. But that's not the only thing that's different about him. There's a certain sadness in the way he's sitting, and a tension that wasn't there before. His eyes are shut as if he's sleeping, but I know that he's probably not. I take another deep breath, my heart beating a thousand miles an hour, and step out into the entrance of the barn. If he were to open his eyes, he would see me. I'm suddenly self conscious about the way I look, and glance down at my dirty bare feet and wet pant leg. My shirt has ridden up exposing a slit of skin, and my curly hair is crazy, streaming down my back. I'm breathing a little hard from the sprint over, and my hands are curled into fists at my sides. I hold my breath and try to summon the courage to say something. I watch his chest rise and fall, and then my eyes travel up to his face. It looks soft and warm in the orange lamplight, and I ache to touch him. I let out a little breath, surprised by the intensity of the need I feel to be near him.

His eyes fly open and immediately land on me. My heart stops as I stare into his eyes, waiting for his reaction. He lies perfectly still, his body tense, and watches me. Now that his eyes are open I can see that they're red as if he's been crying, and there are dark circles under them as if he hasn't slept.

"Jonah..." It slips out quietly. I hadn't mean to say anything. I look into his eyes and wait for him to do something, anything, but he just lies there, staring at me with a shocked look on his face.

We stare at each other for a long time. I try to stay still, but the need to touch him becomes overwhelming, and I step towards him. He flinches and looks away. It feels like a slap in the face. My breath leaves me in a whoosh, and I take a step back. That was his reaction to me: flinching. I take another step back, but keep my eyes on him, waiting for any other reaction. But he just stares strait ahead and doesn't turn to face me again.

I swear I feel my heart break in that moment as I watch him refusing to look at me. It doesn't matter how many times I told myself that I could handle his rejection, I never thought it would hurt this much.