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New Girl

Emily's POV

I couldn't believe all the things I was reading. My relationship with Alison has been so rocky. I'm still not quite sure why she hasn't mentioned any of this to me. I guess I will keep reading the journals. As I frantically read through the journal, I feel like I am getting closer and closer to more answers and am filling in more pieces to the puzzle.

Opening up another journal, I see that it's dedicated to one person. Written simply in the middle of the first page. Turning to the next page, I begin to read about this girl, Paige. She was my main competition on the swim team. We were both freshman and were fighting for a spot on the starting lineup. I had never competed against someone who was so strong, so fast, and maybe even better than me. She was bold, sassy, extremely competitive, and hyper-focused. At first, she was incredibly hostile and rude to me. But her attitude only made me work harder. I transformed my body into the greatest shape I had been in during my swimming career. I was improving on my times day by day.  I was going to land that starting position. There was no question about it. 

The day my coach set for us to compete for the final spot, Paige came to visit me in my dorm room. She was cocky and sure of herself. Was this supposed to intimidate me? Out of the blue, she stopped talking smack, grabbed me, and kissed me. I didn't expect this so my body just froze. I had no idea that she liked me or even girls for that matter. I pushed away from her and told her to get out. Slamming the door shut, the first thought that came to mind was this was her way of trying to throw me off my game and break my focus. Well that was not going to happen. 

Fast forward to the competition for the final spot. In short, I won. But it was close. I beat her by less than a second. When it was all over, she stormed off. But I didn't care. She lost fair and square. Later that night, I heard a knock at the door. It was Paige. She asked if she could come in. There was something different about her. She was insecure, shy, and the complete opposite of how she normally was. In that moment I felt bad so I let her in. She basically opened up to me about her struggles with being in the closet and how she actually had feelings for me. I was completely shocked. So what happened beforehand was 100% genuine? We ended up talking the rest of the night. We even laughed and just had a real conversation on a humane level. I found myself enjoying her company. We even set a day to hang out at the beach together to continue to get to know one another. 

Overtime, my relationship with Paige transformed into one of competition, friendship, then intimacy. It took some time, but we started dating. This was my first real girlfriend. The Paige that I came to know was nothing like the one I knew originally. That was all an act and really just her struggling to find herself. 

There came a day that I found myself wondering how the girls were doing. I had been in such a bubble that I hadn't thought of anyone or anything other than my parents, school, and swimming. I hadn't really made any true connections until Paige. The girls on the team and my classmates were only surface level relationships. But I found myself missing Aria, Spencer, and Hanna. They were such a huge part of my life for so long and I had been an awful friend to them. I decided to call them and we ended up talking till the early hours of the morning simply catching up and laughing. I told them about Paige and they were excited for me. Of course Hanna wanted to know if we had sex yet and I told her no. I just wasn't ready for that even though we'd been dating for a long time. When it seemed like the conversation seemed to end, they all paused and Aria said,"Well I'm just gonna say it. Aren't you gonna ask about Alison? You haven't even mentioned her name once". It's true. I hadn't. I didn't even think about her until they said something. At college, I found someone that I helped me rid my mind of Alison. I cared for Paige a great deal and I was actually enjoying myself. There was no room to think about Alison. "You're right. I haven't and I don't really care to know" I replied with a growing sense of frustration. "Well I'm gonna tell you anyway" responded Hanna with a snippy tone of voice. "Things are different now. She's went to college not far from Rosewood. She's not the same person she once was. We can't really put it into words other than it's like there is something missing inside her. She's back dating Noel. They've been together for awhile now. She seems decently happy. She doesn't talk about you at all and refuses to tell us what happened between you two. But we think there is something you should know. Alison did go to your final meet. She was there when you took first place. She just never let any of us know till later. And there's something else. She was down the street watching all of us saying goodbye. She just couldn't tell if you wanted to see her so she ended up not coming with us. But she felt like she at least had to see your face, even if from afar, before you left for California. She did care Emily. I just think you should know that". "Well thanks for telling me guys. I should really head to bed now. I'll call you guys in a couple of weeks".

The news from Hanna blindsided me. All this time I thought she couldn't be bothered. Ugh this began to infect my mind again. I could feel her slowly creeping back in. Why was this happening? I'd managed to rid myself of her for awhile now and I could feel the little bubble I'd created for myself just burst around me. I felt the urge to write my thoughts down so I grabbed pen and paper to start unleashing my thoughts. Before I knew it, it had turned into a letter to Alison. It detailed how I was doing in school, swim, what college here was like, and most of all Paige.

With some thought, I decided to mail it to her the next day. For the next few months, I went about my business. I had forgotten about Alison even though Paige and I were going through a rough patch. She was starting to get too possessive and jealous about every little thing. Especially when other guys and girls hit on me. She even started pressuring me to have sex with her. It was going to be our one year anniversary soon and we still hadn't had sex. But the truth of the matter was I still didn't feel ready.

On the day of our one year anniversary, I received a letter in the mail from Alison. Handwritten and everything. The letter was very long. It talked about how she was doing, how school was for her, how she was studying to become an English teacher, and how she was dating Noel again. She said they seemed to be going the distance this time. Then she talked about how happy she was for me and how surprised yet happy she received a letter from me. She even expressed that she'd like to continue sending letters to one another. Her letter ended with such simple, yet powerful words. I miss you Emily.

The main thing I felt after reading her letter was an intense urge to see her. I found myself wanting to continue writing to her too. Was this healing that I'd finally reached? Was it abnormal to want to reconnect with a friend? I didn't quite know the answer to the questions but I didn't care deep down.

Later that night, I was getting ready in the bathroom while Paige waited on my bed for me to finish so we could go to the boardwalk. I flung open the door, dressed and excited for what the night would entail when I saw Paige sitting at the edge of the bed reading my letter from Alison. I could tell she was angry. "What is this? Who is Alison?"she said with an intense amount of anger in her voice. "It's nothing. It's just a letter from a friend back home. Why? What's wrong?" I asked honestly not knowing what the problem was. "What's wrong? You must be joking" she snapped angrily. "Why are you writing some girl? Who writes people letters anymore? Do you have feelings for this girl? Cause she clearly has feelings for you. Are you cheating on me with this bitch?" she yelled at me. Feeling defensive I yelled back, "What is wrong with you? You're crazy.  You're jealousy is showing again Paige. I told you, she's an old friend. There is nothing going on between us. I am not cheating on you". Throwing her hands in the air and yelling back even louder, she responded, "Oh yea, well prove it. I can't seem to get you to commit to me. You've never to this day said I love you and it's been a year Emily. And we haven't had sex. So yes. I wonder if you're actually commited". This whole situation has escalated so quickly from nothing really. I'd never seen her this angry. She'd clearly been feeling these things for awhile now and was finally letting them all out. It hurt me to see her like this. The truth was I did care for Paige but at the same time she was right. I hadn't said I love you. I also always made excuses when she tried to be intimate with me. I don't know why, but I just couldn't bring myself to give everything of me to her in that way. But in that moment, I could tell it was a do or die situation. In that moment, I was going to have to do something to satisfy her. So I lunged at her and kissed her. It was rough at first and she put up a bit of a fight. That soon faded when I started unbuttoning her jeans. I was going through the motions and I could tell she was enjoying it. Before long we were both naked, kissing, and on the way to being fully intimate for the first time in our relationship.

After we finished, an immediate sense of guilt and shame consumed me. What had I just done. Paige was clearly happy, but I wasn't. I just gave away a huge part of myself that I can never take back. Wasn't this moment supposed to be special? All I felt was a massive hole in my stomach and disgust with myself that I lost my virginity for all the wrong reasons.

Then it happened. She entered my mind again. I had always fantasized that Alison would be my first time. The moment would feel right and like a natural, effortless step in our relationship. I'd actually savor every kiss and every touch. The passion would be through the roof and I'd be truly happy to have given that part of myself to her.

What a huge contrast to what I was feeling right now.