Afraid of being confident

The English life (22)

Hellooooo ☻ I'm back with a fresh update! Please enjoy reading it and let me know what you think! I love and thank you ♥♥

22.

I used to know you better, better than anyone
Now I don't know you at all
You used to keep my secrets, shallows turned to deepness
Now I got someone else to go

Rain drops fall heavily onto the roof and drown the music which is coming from my IPod.

Just 'cause I don't make a thing about it
Don't mean that I ever think about it 'cause I do
Just 'cause I learned how to live without you
Don't mean that I ever really wanted to, oh

My feet drag me around and I express every single emotion through my moves, trying to forget. Trying to move on.

I miss you, yeah, yeah
After all that we've been through
I never told you that I do
But I miss you, ooh
Even after this time
I got your body on my mind

I tried to explain what had happened the moment I arrived back home, but couldn't get a word out. After throwing up some more, I finally told my friends what happened and what my plan was. I managed to plan every detail during my flight.

Transferring.

Booking another ticket. One way this time.

Coming up with an excuse for my mom. Transferring enough money to her savings account, telling her not to worry about me but about my sister and her. That I'd come back was what I said. I didn't know back then if I'm just saying it to please her or to think that coming back would be a possibility some day in the future.

My professor made it possible for me to transfer to another college over night. I had some help from Brenda as well, who couldn't understand, along with my friends, why I wasn't pulling charges against him.

Because I wanted to forget.

I wanted to think that moving to another country, far away and cutting off the ropes that tied me to the US would safe me. Safe me from the thoughts that are rushing through my mind anyways. Safe me from the feelings. The guilt of starting something that was long before doomed. The hurt that brings back tears that cannot longer roll down. The realization that I should have seen that it was him. But I didn't.

Because I was blinded by the thought that he was different. He made me feel different and I believed in his words that what we had was nothing ordinary. Well, duh. You don't stalk the person you should care about.

Thinking about it makes me gag.

His hands. I still feel them on my body. It's like they're printed into my mind and I cannot get rid of them no matter what I do. How long I exhaust myself in workouts. Nothing works.

And no one understands why I'm not telling the police.

I stop dancing, swallow some water and sit down next to the big window of the room. Sometimes, I come here to sit, not to dance. There is no risk of anyone intruding my privacy. Nearly no one knows me since I keep my distance. The only friend that I found is a cousin of Clare who threatened me to contact her so that she had some reassurance about my situation and well-being. And since the college is renting this room for me anyway, no one is bound to come in. I have my own key and Anne, Clare's cousin often comes to pick me up and bring me home. She's the only new friend that got to know what happened. She never asked any questions. Thankfully. She's just there. Letting me know that I'm not as lonely as I'm feeling.

It's almost been a month since I flew to England. Birdy and Clare are missing me so much that Brenda paid for their flights since she feels beyond guilty and I'll see my friends for the first time again tomorrow.

I guess, I missed them more than I want to admit, but I couldn't stay.

I felt so betrayed and needed to feel safe.

I got used to the rain here.

I got used to the thought that this could be my home from now on.

After knocking, Anne enters the room and greets me with a bright smile. She does remind me a lot of Clare. Just the way of how she lives her life. Caring, but carefree at the same time. I was never able to wrap my mind around the way to live like that. I just couldn't grasp that optimism. I'm and I always have been the more skeptical one. Thinking that something has to go wrong when it goes to right.

Not last time.

When it went wrong.

A part of me tries to think of reasons why I deserved to go through all of this. Clare keeps telling me that it's the wrong way of thinking as does Anne, but whom else but me could it happened. To have a millionaire who likes you, who stalks you at the same time and takes away everything you have had. The friends.

The home.

The safety.

He was the reason for my confidence which he took as he left that very morning.

Whatever I do, the first weeks were terrible. I kept looking around to see if someone was following me. I checked twice if I locked the doors behind me. Strolled through my room to check if I'm alone in my dorm before I can finally sit down on my bed. Wincing when his name is mentioned while those people are innocent and completely different Max's.

I stayed in contact with only four people. Not that more would care. Birdy. My mom. Clare and Brenda. I switched my sim lock card to a prepaid one to be able to get a new number. Kind of my mission to get a new identity. But there's just so much which is holding me back on a daily basis like the simple question from my friends that makes me realize that it's not as easy as I thought. That what has happened influences me more than I want to admit.

Anne has been sitting on the other side of the window, opposite of me. Staring out in silence to give me more time.

"I can't find a bloody thing that could be interesting enough to stare at, Leslie", she huffs out and makes me chuckle.

"It's not that I look at anything particular but the fact that I think."

"You know I'm here for you, right?"

I nod. "Are you excited to see your friends tomorrow?"

"I am. I truly am excited. I just hope no one sees or follows them you know."

"You overthink too much, Les."

I grunt; "Well, you haven't had a stalker who is capable of tracking me down faster than I want. Let's go. I still have to prepare the room for their arrival."

We shut off the lights and lock the doors behind us before we get into her car and drive back. We are roommates which is good since I didn't have to be socially active with another, stranger and probably nosy person. It's just her. And it's basically like living with Clare before. Easy.

I[