Afraid of being confident

Trying something new (2)

2.

I see the sign and save the number of that agency not sure whether to call it or not. I mean, it would be a perfect solution for my problem. I would earn enough money and had only to work one or two nights a week. Problem: I'm not attractive, which shoves my thought away.

I meet my friend Clare in the city because we want to go shopping. She needed new underwear and thinks that I do, too, if I want to get a boyfriend. I don't really care. I mean, yes, sometimes I'm lonely and I want to cuddle and want someone to say that I'm beautiful that he'll hold me tight and that fluffy stuff I'll never get. Then when I'm daydreaming I'm dreaming about sex...a lot... having sex with strangers, rough, sexy and loud.... but then I remember that I'm a virgin, I'm innocent and shy, not a very good combination. But there are times when I see couples and become jealous, or I see Clare for example, who puts her boyfriend first. She is doing everything for him and loses herself only to satisfy him. I don't think that's right. I want a relationship where both love each other and can rely on each other, without any pressure that the other one should do a diet, or spend more time with the partner. It should be a balance between time with each other and time alone. You still need time for yourself though. Anyways, Clare thinks I need some of her shopping advise. And here we are in a Victoria Secret Store and every girl is at least 20 kg lighter than me. I feel very uncomfortable, but Clare doesn't seem to care. Great!

"Leslie, here! Try these" she says excitedly. She hands me a super hot purple push up bra and a thong, both peaked. Oh, no! My boobs will fall out of that bra. It's like a man could rest his head on my boobs then, because they stand up proudly like a tray out of breasts. Gross!

I try the bra and hey, it's not that bad I mumble to myself. Could have been worse.

"Come out hiding princess", Clare calls me. I open the door for her to come in. I don't want anyone to see me like THIS! I'm particular naked.

"Hey, why are you hiding?! You look so hot in that stuff! Look at you, how beautiful you look!", she tries to make me feel comfortable and grabs my arms away from my body because I was hiding everything I could. That's one reason why I love her. She always makes me feel like I'm worth it. Worth to live and that I'm not that fat. I buy not only the purple, but also the same combination in red. You don't want to know what Clare buys because she spends all her money on underwear. She should earn money with her body– she has the body and the self confidence.

The weeks flew by and I haven't really talked to my mom. She will freak out when she will hear that I still haven't got a job. I called everywhere I could but they all said that they don't need a student like me, or they need thinner girls. They always have a reason to call off. I lay on my bed and look randomly through my phone as I find the number of that escort agency. Maybe I should try that for once. I dial the number and wait for someone to pick up on the other end of the line.