Afraid of being confident

Surprise visit(Part 26)

Hey guys! I'm so sorry that I didn't update sooner, but I've finally survived all exams and wrote a new chapter for you. I hope you'll like it ♥

26.

It was a beautiful day for once. First, because it stopped raining and that certainly doesn't happen often here in England. And second, because it feels like I can smile again as I slowly regain control of my life again. Or it feels like it at least. Birdy and I were able to ignore or play down the assumptions about the sudden change of my mood and a few days ago, after another tearful breakdown, I finally decided to get a grip on myself. It's not just another heartbreak where I could have sulked in bed forever, thinking my life won't go on, drinking loads, going partying to distract oneself. This. This is something different because involuntarily, I have to push all selfish thoughts to a corner in my mind which is far, far away. Because this time, I've got another human life to think and care about. And no, I haven't decided if I'm going to keep it just yet. I'm grateful that we're living in a century where the worth of a woman is much higher, although still not high and respected enough, but it's my body and therefore, thankfully my decision what or what not that I am going to do. And no one can or should push me or even wait for me to declare and confess anything. No one should even be suspicious, but that's maybe too much to ask for.

However, I'm not spiraling down in those thoughts or "what ifs" and "why's" because I actually planned to enjoy this day. No irony. I really got up this morning thinking that today is the day where I stop sulking and start to first try accepting things as they are before I'll work on solutions. So, first things first, I stop tying my shoes and step onto the trail which I wanted to hike on this fine day. And yes, I know, I should probably look into my finances which have improved but just in case that we're talking about single parenting, it could be better and I'm already aware of that. Isn't it sarcastic that I was supposed to provide my mother and sister with money while going to college and now, it looks like their star child fucked up, literally, and needs support herself, which she won't get. It's like that, simpler, while taking the example of meeting a friend. You and your friend aren't living in the same city and every time you want to meet up, it's mostly you who's the driver and drives the long way over to your friend. Not once is your friend coming to visit you because the way just seems to be longer coming from that direction. It's like that with my family. I supported them even though I shouldn't and when I need something, the way just seems to be longer and therefore, I do not get support.

Whatever, I'm glad that I still got that scholarship that pays for my college tuitions and stuff. The only part of my life which is secure I guess. I look around and appreciate the nature which surrounds me on my walk. The grass started to grow again and looks ready for a first cut, trees begin to spread out more and spring flowers are about to lift their heads and bloom. Nature looks ready and happy and I only hope that I feel a little bit better afterwards to keep up with my smiling game. It was hard enough to convince Birdy that it's all right to let me go on my own. He has been following me ever since we found out about my situation. Trying not to think about it, I start to look around again and although I didn't really like England before, the characteristic stone walls are cute. It makes it easier to belong. I think they feel and look home-y, like a feeling that you get whenever you feel safe. I got used to the smell of rain that annoyed me at first. It rained the last few days and it matched my mood perfectly but since the sun reappeared, I'm in a good spirit that even the weather will help me get back on my feet.

Talking about feet. It's not like I've walked very far, but the little stones in the mud beneath me hurt more than I'd have thought and since I'm spotting a bench not too far away, it's probably time to finally give Brenda a call back. She tried it, well, enough times to understand that I'm not ready yet, but she's a stubborn one. It seems like she's almost waiting for my call since she answers it immediately. "Leslie! Finally, god damn it, where have you been?"