Afraid of being confident

Can I be pregnant?! (23)

          

23.

I didn't know how much I missed them until I held a crying Birdy in my arms who constantly reminded me of the fact that I've lost some pounds since I've left which for him, is probably the most massive change. He just didn't expect me to change I guess. But how can you not change after such a...thing. Clare and Anne connected right back even though they haven't always been the closest cousins. I don't think it's easy if you live in two different countries though. Clare never mentioned her either, but it doesn't seem to be a problem. Since Birdy is easy going to get along with, he refuses a handshake and pulls Anne into a hug as well as I'm embraced by Clare. We're all a teary mess that moment and decide to just ignore the tiredness of my friends after they changed to hit the night right away, not wasting any time.

Arriving at one of Anne's favorite pubs and restaurants down the street, I feel better. I really didn't know how much I actually have from having them as my friends. What I get from this friendship. Not only support, but laughter and good times and I don't want to think about the moment when they have to go back and how much it will hurt to let them. They're family to me. I can see that by the way we joke about insiders while Birdy fills in Anne with the necessary information. We missed four weeks with each other. Not a lot for most people, but since we were practically always together, it has had an impact. Or that's what I feared.

"We have to bring some pounds back onto our girl", I hear Birdy mention. I immediately roll my eyes at him. It's not that I'm not eating anymore. I don't have the biggest appetite since I moved here and had to get used to everything. Transferring in the middle of the semester isn't the easiest thing either. Stressful keeping up and meetings with the tutors to inform me what I have to retake or take as modules to pass here in Europe are sucking the free time out of my schedule.

But this is better than staying.

Clare brings me back from my thoughts. Anne smirks. She got used to my blacking out, but it doesn't matter how long I've known her cousin, Clare just doesn't have the feeling for that. "What have you been doing, les? Any dancing going on?"

"Yeah, the college actually rents some rooms like I told Birdy I guess, right?" He confirms, noddingly.

"Well, I asked and got lucky to get the evenings for myself in one of those rooms and Anne comes and picks me up most of the times."

"Any hot guys here?" It stinks more into my heart than I've thought. Well, I didn't think or expect any of those direct questions anyway, but like I said Clare lacks empathy. I did not have expected to react so sensible to such an unspecified question either.

There are two possibilities. Ignore her and hope that she forgets that she even asked such a thing or two, snap at her. I choose a mixture of shaking my head; "I'm not interested at the moment."

"Les, it's been four weeks. Take your mind off of things, "she presses.

I don't think she got how hard all what happened affected me. The words slip out before I think about them; "and then get screamed at after I finally did something from my ex-roommate?" I ask her bitterly and refer to my first time. She was so utterly disappointed and kept saying that I misunderstood her message. Sleeping with other men is still a conscious decision which I'll not make.

"I'm sorry..", I mumble and am about to slide out of the booth when she holds me back. The two opposite of us are glaring at her. "I'm sorry. I didn't think."

The waitress comes and saves the moment, but I cannot keep myself from smiling, as Birdy kicks Clare under the table, trying to play it cool.

"What would you like to have, dear?", she addresses me. To be honest, I don't even know what I should take. Nothing really caught my eye or interest so far. I pick a light tomato soup and feel the weird look on Birdy's face already.

"Les, are you ok? You never eat something like that!" He sounds as if I just quit our friendship without giving him a reason.

"I'm just not hungry nowadays and have kind of a sensible stomach."

"Probably all the stress and changes;" Anne chirps in.

"Sounds like an explanation", Clare joins.

I'm relieved when the food arrives, no longer discussing why my sudden lose in appetite are normal or not.

We dig in and the thought strikes my mind that I'm happy about the silence that fell over us to prevent any weird questions.

That's until Anne showed her side which reminded me of Clare. Like literally.

"So, did you guys see him or hear anything since Leslie moved or is it safe?" She thinks her question was something like asking your friend where she bought that dress. But it's not and I choke on my soup, managing to get myself together by coughing a few times. Only Birdy realized what's going on, but Clare already started telling her what I didn't want to hear at all. I wanted to forget.

"Well, we see him daily basically. It's good that she's here but he could immediately blackmail me if he wanted to somehow. I mean he parks in front of the building and waits. He even approached me last week and I finally told him to leave and that Les doesn't live here anymore."

First of all, I would have told him to fuck off or threaten him with the police otherwise, but she makes it sound like they chatted like old friends.

I mumble something that sounds like 'excuse me' and run to the bathroom without looking back. If my head had eyes, I would have seen that both girls snapped out of their conversations, faces full of guilt as Birdy jumps over Anne's lap and runs after me to hold my hair seconds after I already crunched over the toilet seat.

"Les, I'm sorry... We were selfish to think that it doesn't effect you anymore.."

"It's only been four weeks..." I whisper "With having him constantly on my mind..so yes, it does fucking affect me..I didn't move because that's all fun and sunshine, birdy." That's what I can get out before I feel another rush of nausea running through my body.

There's a long pause and I can feel how he literally thinks what he could do or should say. Well, there's nothing to say right now.

But he thinks differently. "Les, do you have to vomit often?"

"Told you..sensible stomach.. stress..." I shrug it off.

My weak legs help me to get up and I am supported by my friend, who has this unmistaken serious expression on his face.

"Could it be that you're pregnant?"

My world stopped right there.