Afraid of being confident

You can't hide forever (13)

13. You can't hide forever..

"Les, honey, you know that I adore you and everything?", I hear Birdy ask from the left side. I turn my head into his direction and look him right in the eyes. It's quite odd what he has been saying. There's a but following or something that his words are limited.

"Yes, I know that and you are probably saying it a lot lately" I give him a look "But I also feel that there's one huge part missing about what you truly want to say...I don't like that feeling, so spill it out already"

He playfully throws his arms in the air; "Geez, honey, don't be so harsh on me", he winks "No, honestly, Les, you have to answer Clare's calls.."

I groan out of frustration. I knew he'd eventually want me to do so. You see, I've been spending my days at Birdy's apartment since New Years Eve and am mostly in the gym or studying for university, which starts again in a few days. It came intentional. We partied all night when I suddenly asked Birdy if I could stay for the night and he gladly invited me in. I never grabbed any of my clothes on the way to his apartment out of mine. I never showed up there....the same with calling or texting Clare. She has been calling and texting me 24/7. I'm not answering or reply to any of them. I don't want to hear her words that I can still hear in my ears how I gave my pride away. Her disappointed look. I can't deny that it hurts. It hurts like hell. But it happened and stays like that. She has to accept it. I wasn't even asking for support or comfort, just a simple nod, someone that accepts my decisions rather than turning them around and against me. I thought I found such a friend in Clare and now I'm here. I'm not pouting about the good ol' days, I just want to protect myself from any negative energy around me. The new year started and that's one thing I'd like to change. Ignore and erase the people out of your life that hurt you, or the peolple you don't want to be with out of what-do-I-know for reasons. It's not like I want to push Clare out of my life, but I don't suppose any positive words will come out of her mouth if I answer her calls.

"She already called me a few times and I covered you up, Les.. Clare is my friend too and I don't want to be between the two of you...if you don't want to answer her calls, please let me tell her that you're safe and with me...", Birdy interrupts my thoughts and he's kind of right. She has the right to know that I'm safe. She's still my roommate, but nothing more at the moment. I can't hide forever

He sees the guilt in my eyes and squeezes my hand before I nod and he walks off with his phone in his hands. Hey, now she knows that I'm safe..she wouldn't care if she really meant what she said. These words are repeating itself every time I close my eyes and try to sleep.

"Birdy?", I call out as I get up form the couch;"I'm in your guestroom!", I inform him and walk away. I walk into the room and let myself fall down on the comfortable mattress, the pillows hug my face in just the right places and I don't really notice that I'm slowly drifting off. My phone buzzes one last time before I'm out.

Not only has Clare called me several times, my secret stalker also said hey, once or twice.. Like telling me that he knows I don't exit this building, only to workout, that I should head back home and some creepy comments.. But as long as he enjoys himself and isn't hamring me more than on my mental base, it's to bear , I guess.

I think I wandered into a peaceful wonderland for a couple of minutes as I open my eyes again and stay like that thinking about some things as the door opens hesitantly.

"You know what I should test next, Birdy?", I ask into the direction of the open door. I supposed to see Birdy there like always. Boy, was I wrong.

"C-Clare?", I stutter. suddenly all her words and all the good memories flush back into my brain, like I banned them away. She looks like hell. Her hair is a huge mess, her eyes are puffy and she hasn't picked her clothes in the way she does when she wants to look good or go out.

She remains silent and comes in, pulls me in a tight hug and sits down next to me on the bed. It's weird to hug her, although it also feels familiar and like coming home. She looks up and I see tears in her eyes. "I'm so sorry", she sobs out and my heart breaks a little. I was so disappointed and self centered that I never thought she could be sorry... I look at her shocked. She gets herself together, wipes her nose and begins to apologies, even after I wrapped my arms around her and already forgave her.

"It wasn't what I wanted for you to happen..not that I don't want you to meet someone or to have sex, but I wanted it for you to be special..because you're special and my best friend. You deserve better...I was just overreacting...", she explains "I tried to call you and then I thought about that stalker and you never answered and Birdy wasn't helping to find you as well...hell, could I know that you were here all the time and safe???!!"

It's the first time that I speak and find well..not the best words ever, but I'm really sorry as well.."Clare, it's ok..I'm sorry too. I was so selfish and never thought you'd care where I was going to..."

"Don't you dare think that way!", She exclaims.."but I think I needed it that hard" I hit her arm harder than I intended and pull her in another hug. Birdy who obviously heard every word claps his hands excited; "Was about time! You both needed to talk...Girls night, anyone interested???!", he asks hopeful. We just pull him in one huge, long group hug.

I don't know why I have these thoughts like I did, the insecurities about my friendship..Maybe because they're really important to me..I don't know..But what I do know is, that I have to work harder and ask if anythings wrong before I let my brain think weird and wrong things that lead to complete wrong conclusions... I'm just happy to have Clare back. She's my best friend. Nothing should break us up easily.

Because times like this, when we three are in the kitchen cooking before we head into one crazy one tree hill marathon, are the times I appreciate the most. That's what friendships are about, right?! Forgive and Love? For the ones that are really worth it. I believe so. And I'm glad to have my little Clare-bear back. Her stupid jokes and her thrilled character.