Afraid of being confident

She'll probably not win (Part 25)

Hellooooo :) Thank you for reading and telling me to update, I always appreciate any kind of feedback! I quickly wrote another part and I apologize that it's so short, but I'm writing exams at the time and just wanted to update something. 

25.

But he thinks differently. "Les, do you have to vomit often?"

"Told you..sensible stomach.. stress..." I shrug it off.

My weak legs help me to get up and I am supported by my friend, who has this unmistaken serious expression on his face.

"Could it be that you're pregnant?"

My world stopped right there.

Sliding down the next wall after making sure my stomach settled down some more, I stare at Birdy shocked that he would even suggest such a thing while my eyes fill up with tears.

Tears of shock and fright because even though it has been only minutes that he suggested such a thing, there's a glimpse of truth. I barely see how he slides opposite of me, down the next wall, grabbing my hands. My cold, clammy hands as I look down ashamed.

The bright Leslie who's such a nerd, never got any date requests..like ever jumped into something that is so indescribable and dangerous.. unbelievable actually if not for her friends who can prove that something like that indeed happened to her. And now there she is, karma has hit her like a bitch, leaving her alone and broken on a different continent to get as far away from everything as possible and gets haunted down again. Her running away from problems is failing. It's slowly setting down.

Yes, there have been rainbow clouds in her head, times where she thought that they could be in a relationship, where people care about each other until that one day that broke every fiber in her body and makes is even harder to trust anyone at the moment. She thought inviting her friends over would be refreshing, sure she'd talk about college times when she was still with them, but she never thought they would so brutally approach a topic that she hid under her covers, way, way down. She actually pushed it so far away that she didn't even need to think about some things for a while. And now, everything comes crushing down onto her as she sobs, not caring about her companion or the suffocating feelings that push their way back up into her body.

Birdy is right, there's a possibility of her being pregnant since during the times they've been intimate, neither of them cared much about protection. She didn't because she was either too nervous or captivated by the situation. She can't tell why he didn't since he definitely has more experience and should care about all of it. BUT, protection can't fully be blamed on the man since she's educated enough to use her brain and make decisions which in that case was not protecting herself. Because if it's true, then she's having to deal with a whole different thing and every little problem in her life will be nothing in comparison to what will change her life forever. And it hurts and sucks and makes her overall incredibly angry at herself.

Birdy changed his position and kneels in front of his best friend, gently embracing her. He's the more loving one and considerate of her best friends and knows that any comment at all is overrated at the moment where she just needs comfort.

"You think it's a possibility?", he tries to ask her without pushing her too far and ending up with more tears as she just calmed down into quiet sobs from time to time. Looking into his familiar eyes, she nods.

After promising to not mention anything at the table, the two walk back and join the cousins who apologize immediately but Leslie isn't even listening and doesn't dare to touch her soup anymore.

The next morning, after not getting an ounce of sleep, Leslie gets up quietly to shower quickly and stepping into some flabby clothes. She puts her hair up in a messy bun and thinks about taking sunglasses, but almost snorts thinking about how childish she'd look. It's not like she's a celebrity and she isn't hungover either. Grabbing her metro card, she's about to walk out of the door as Birdy appears, dressed and ready to go with his jacket on his arm. She smiles weakly, thankful that he came volunteering. She doesn't know if it she should have gone alone but some moral support is never overrated. He links his arm with hers and walks her to her doctor not once saying anything because every word would be too much, and he respects her privacy for once. He normally has answers for so many things but even he is not having one about what will happen if it's true.

He later holds a devastated Leslie in his arms and sheds a tear himself after finding out that his suspicions were right, and his best friend shattered. It's not about the "everything will work out" talk, the talk where you'll hear that you can make it. She's in deep, needing to think about someone else for the first time in a different way of course. She's carrying a human being in her body which should be great and yes under other circumstances she may have thought about the ways of making it work, but not like this. She almost panics too much enough to trigger an attack and enough to worry the nurses who normally see outbursts of joy. They worriedly circle around the two, asking if she needs something to calm down, not getting why she's freaking out. Her thoughts are all over the place though. Keeping it would mean that he, since he obviously has his ways, will find out that it's his baby and probably wants to have a say in the whole process. That would lead to the fact that the baby would be a perfect item for blackmailing or at least obsessing about "his" "property".

As she turns green, the nurses quickly hand her a bucket as she throws up whatever is left of the soup from the night before.

After taking some abortion flyers, the two agree on not telling the cousins until Leslie knows what she'll do and it's the moment Birdy decided for himself and the sake of his best friend that he'll stay for a while longer, not wanting to leave her in a state like this. Times like that always called for wine, lots of it combined with a hard workout followed by boxes of chocolate. That's what they are doing without speaking about their morning appointment anymore and without the wine, but the two manage to eat some breakfast before Birdy meets her at the door again with his workout gear in his bag just like her, sending her a comforting smile and letting her power through the workout, giving her the chance to let it all out. He's happy that she's in a way not bottling it up and keeping it to herself, she lets it out even if she's not speaking about her emotions, but seeing her, Birdy knows that she's angry and disappointed at herself for letting it come this far, desperate for an answer and torn between options. It's not what she wanted and he's sad that it has turned out like this. She wanted to forget all of it, cutting off the strings to start fresh and now she's more committed to the past than she could have been. He doesn't dare to say it out loud but admitting it to himself, he guesses she doesn't have too much time to figure out what she wants because it has been too quiet, and he knows that the stalker boy is sadly an intelligent man who's not giving up until he gets what he wants. And Birdy knows for sure that he'll at least try to talk to Leslie before letting her go and until he will find her, in case she's keeping the baby, he'll then see the change in her physical appearance. He knows that he's coming for her. This is just the beginning of a race that she will probably not win.