Let Me Love You // DRARRY

Chapter Thirteen - Opening Up

"Malfoy, are you alright?" Harry asked the blond once again, leaning to his right so that the thrum of the great hall wasn't quite so effective in killing quiet conversations. The other young man simply nodded his head and murmured a string of incomprehensible whispers further deafened by the infinite conversations being spoken in the hall.

While the hall had always been ablaze with chatter before the war, the noise that came with dinner had increased substantially. Whether it was people compensating for the deathly quiet shadow that hung over many when left to their thoughts, or something else, Harry was grateful for it most of the time. It meant that his own toxic thoughts and memories had less time to plague him.

Malfoy had started distancing himself instantly the morning after their first heart-to-heart talking session. He had continued to teach with as much ease as an ex-death eater could have, although his reputation as a strict but fair professor was growing. But he had silently refused all conversations, one word answers, primal grunts and simple ignoring was all that Harry had received. 

Harry could only conclude that it was him revealing his sexuality which had pushed Malfoy away, making him cold and detached. 

Harry and Malfoy finished their dinner in silence, the great hall muting out Harry's thoughts with its sea of voices. They had climbed the stairs together, Harry trailing behind Malfoy with a determined gaze. And then they had walked into their quarters together, Malfoy instantly bringing out his flask to drown his silence in Fire Whisky.

 "You know Malfoy, it's Wednesday. Remember you said-"

"I know what I said Potter. But I'm not doing it tonight." Malfoy curtly replied.

"Why Malfoy? You don't get to be unsure in this entire thing. If I don't get a choice, you definitely don't. You aren't allowed to back out."

"I'm not doing it because I'll end up being a prick somehow and mess up! You've already been pushed further mentally than any man should have to bare, I don't want to screw you up any further!" Malfoy let his outburst escape, before instantly regretting it. His face flooding with dread and embarrassment at the thought that he had let his Malfoy demeanor, his regular cool, indifferent exterior down. 

Yet he continued.

"I made your school life hell. I bullied you relentlessly. I bullied Weasley relentlessly. I bullied Granger relentlessly. I thought I was better than you because of who my family were, I was proud to be a pureblood. I was proud to be a pureblood Potter, I was proud to be practically a child of incest. Granger, she's one of the smartest students to have walked these halls in centuries. She works at the ministry at eighteen years old, because no one doubts that she would have gotten outstanding in all her of NEWTS had she taken them! I thought I was better than her! And it took you leaving Hogwarts to find the horcruxes for me to realise that it wasn't an act. That you were really that brave all the time, that you would put your life on the line for anyone and everyone else. I made fun of you Potter, when I was such a scared little rat I wouldn't do anything without my Father's permission! Do you know how much I could've screwed you up in the head Potter? The war might have changed you, but I started it. I kept chipping away at you relentlessly, wanting you to crack. I wasn't just a bully, I was practically a monster."

Harry was taken aback that Malfoy could bare so much raw emotion, but didn't stop him from continuing still. He clearly had been bottling himself up for a long time and was red in the face, his forehead glistening with sweat and his eyes glazing up with the threat of tears.

"And then you go get seduced by Osborne. You shouldn't, but you still feel shame. Everyone who gets taken advantage of like that that feels that sort of shame. And I forced you ask for help, I knew what you needed, but I couldn't help my self from embarrassing you further. You risked your life for me Potter, back in the room of requirement. You sacrificed yourself for all of us, and still you get taken advantage of! All it would take is for me to slip back into the old selfish bully, I don't want to risk that. All it could take for you to finally give up is me screwing up and saying something wrong." Malfoy's words became deathly quiet. "When I was training to be a minder at St Mungos, I saw it happen. This man, he was on the edge of insanity. He only had his daughter left, everyone else had been killed in the war. And then when the daughter couldn't handle his mood swings and left, he killed himself. What if I do that, what if I cant handle the shit that you've went through. Because your strong Harry! I'm not, I'm a Malfoy and Slytherin."