Rebel: A Monstercat Fanfic

027 - Shatter

Song of the Chapter: Break Away - Soulero (House)

This one has a new POV. Hope you like it!

And also, I make an analogy with potatoes and depression. Please take it seriously, even though it sounds a little ridiculous. Thank you.

(Braken's POV)

Two nights after Phantom's help and I still can't seem to get out of this pit of darkness. I can't do anything except stay in the bed, curled up and sulking. He tries to coax me out, but I can't bring myself to leave. This is the one comfort I have. I don't want them to take it away from me. I just want Leo back. I can't do anything without him.

And ... I kind of want chicken nuggets, too.

I sit up, poking my head up above the mound of blankets. My arm suddenly tingles like crazy - the one I'd been laying on for a couple hours. I'm about to say something, but Phantom enters the room, holding another paper bag. This is the first time I've seen him without his jacket on, but I guess I shouldn't be so surprised, since I never take mine off, either. I notice he's wearing something small around his right wrist, a little piece of rope with a metal circle on it.

He sees me looking up and smiles, though he subtly hides the bracelet behind his back. "Hey, Braken. I brought you some food."

I try to smile back, but can't quite make it. "Thank you." He hands me the bag and I open it, the smell of fried chicken suddenly engulfing me. I forgot how much I love these. I adjust my position to sit more comfortably and take one out, nibbling at it a little. They're better than I remembered, but that doesn't change the fact that I still don't have an appetite. I just want to curl up again and get some sleep and maybe sing a little bit - but I don't want anyone else listening.

"Come on, Braken," Phantom says softly. "Please eat something."

I take another bite and swallow it with difficulty. I feel sick afterward and lean backward to rest my head against the back of the bed. I'm hungry but I can't eat.

"Please?" Phantom begs.

I suddenly feel a burst of anger, along with a new round of tears. "I'm trying, alright? Have you ever been depressed in a way that makes it so you're hungry but can't eat, or you're exhausted but you can't do anything except curl up and cry, and you wish you could feel but everything is just like eating a potato and whatever you eat just tastes like potatoes but everyone says 'season it' or 'put something on it' but it doesn't matter because it's just plain boring potatoes and it's like when people say 'there's so much to be happy about' but you can't seem to find the happiness because it's always the same feeling of potatoes but ... but no one will ... no one understands ... " There I go again, breaking down and crying.

Everyone in the room just stares at me, so I bury my face in my scarf and hoodie to cover myself. I've never been good at keeping myself quiet when I cry, so I use it to muffle the sound, but it's not very effective. Everything just feels like potatoes. I don't even know where that analogy came from. I think I saw it on the internet or something, but it fits. I feel like I understand potatoes more than I understand myself. Every word I say pushes me deeper into the chasm of endless misery and darkness, a place that is all too familiar. This time, I don't think I'll be able to get out. Not without Leo.

Someone sits down on the bed beside me and puts their arm around my shoulders. I tighten up and wish he'd just go away. "I'm sorry," Phantom says.

I drop my scarf and suddenly shove him away from me. "But are you? Or are you just sorry because you can't help? We're all just liars and backstabbers, aren't we? You don't know me - "