UnLoved

Chapter 12. Scratches and Users

Kellins P.O.V

Vic had not gone to school for part of the week to avoid the questions, which only made me feel more like a piece of shit.

The weekend seemed to drag on forever, and it was only Sunday morning,as Vic wasn't answering my calls or texts so I couldn't give him his homework that I told him I'd pick up. And it's not like I knew where he lived so I couldn't just drop it off at his house. So as a last resort I thought I'd go to Jaime's and maybe see if he could drop it off at Vics or maybe text him for me.

I shot him a quick text before going over just so he'd know I'm stopping by, but I soon relaxed I probably should have awaited a reply as I entered his house only to see Jaime, Tony and Vic all laughing as they played video games.

My stomach dropped as all attention was on me and the laughter immediately stopped.

"Oh." Vic mumbled as he looked down.

"Nice to see you're having so much fun ignoring me." I barked before dropping the papers I had brought and slamming the door on my way out. 

Hot tears were already cascading down my cheeks as I started to walk back to my house.

I heard Jaime calling after me but just decided to ignore him and keep, well basically jogging away. That was until a hand grabbed my shoulder and roughly turned me around.

"Kellin." Jaime said sternly staring me in the eyes, "I'm sorry, I-"

I cut him off with a scoff, "You're sorry, what about Vic? He doesn't seem sorry at all!" I raised my voice, tears still flying down my face, "Here I was thinking he thought I was a complete asshole because I hit him! If I didn't feel shitty enough! And he's with you guys having a blast!" I turned to run away again but Jaime turned me around and held me tightly.

It was different this time, it still wasn't as nice as when Vic hugged me in his big arms, but, it was nice, and comforting.

Jaime pressed a kiss to the top of my head, "I know, I'm sorry Kellin."

Me and Jaime hung out for the rest of the weekend and the next week since we had a week off of school. And the day school rolled around the next Monday he was picking me up in his old rusty pick up truck.

We entered the school hand in hand. I was starting to think that Jaime had feelings for me. And I knew I didn't have feelings for him, other than that he was a good friend and he was there for me when no one else was. Like Vic was, but I had feelings for Vic. I still do, be he left me, again.

As Jaime was walking me to class Tony had met us at the door.

"Oh, hey Kellin." He mumbled, "So um, Jaime, coming to class?" He looked down at our hands and raised an eyebrow at Jaime.

Jaime nodded and pecked me on the cheek before saying goodbye and waltzing off with Tony.

Little did I know Vic was behind us waiting to get into the classroom.

"Hey Kellin." His soft voice brought tears to my eyes. I missed him so much. I blinked the tears back and turned to face him. Feeling the physical pain in my chest as I remembered if I hugged him or kissed him or took him back right now he'd hurt me again. It took so much restraint not to leapt into his arms and just hold him and the look of pain, sadness and guilt written on his face broke my heart.

"You and Jaime..?" He couldn't bring himself to finish the sentence.

I stood up a little straighter and holding my head high. He's the one who was wrong Kellin, he hurt you, he should feel bad, not you. "Yeah. Not that you would care."

"Kells,"

"Don't, Vic. Okay, I get it, you don't like me, you just felt bad for me. You're a terrible person for it. You hurt me, even if you didn't mean it you hurt me and-" I cut myself off realizing I was only talking about myself. I was terrible I should feel like a piece of shit because I hurt him. Tears picked my eyes and the bell snapped me out of my thoughts as I stepped into the classroom, rapidly blinking.

I sat in my seat and stared straight forward the whole class ignoring everything and just continuing the shitty thoughts about myself and how bad I was as a person. Not just for hitting Vic, but for leading on Jaime. I knew I wasn't going to hang out with him as much anymore. I'd probably limit myself to once or twice a week, but I'm probably still going to call or text him when I need someone. I'm still alone in all of this though because, he doesn't know things Vic does, he doesn't know anything.

When I blinked, snapping myself out of my thoughts I had realized I was in my art class walking down to Vic and I's spot.

"Hey." He whispered, "Look Kellin if you would just let me-"

"Don't!" I snapped, "Just, be quiet and paint. Please?"

He nodded and painted light blue blots on his side. And I just painted orange red and yellow on my pink flower to make it look like the flower, in the middle of my side on top of the yellow and red, was burning.

The flower represented mine and Vic relationship, as friends or more than friends. It was over right now, he hurt me. No, I had hurt him. I would never forgive myself for that.

When the class was over I sat in the stall at lunch reminding myself how awful I was and then hurried off to my next class before basically running home. Tears flying down my cheeks the entire time. I crept through the front door with my head down, using my hair to hide me puffy eyes and blotchy red face.

"Kellin, sweety, are you hungry?" My aunt called from the kitchen.

"I'm still full from lunch." I lied as I drug myself up the creaky stairs trying to hide the cries of my gurgling stomach.

---

After hours of crying in my bed I moved myself to the shower. Stealing my special box from my hiding place under the loose floorboard beside my dresser.

I let the cold water trickle down the drain as I sat in the freezing tub, letting the shower head cascade water over my shaking body. With the thoughts of me hitting Vic and how much he must hate me and how I was using Jaime running through my head I ran my sharpest blade across my wrists going deeper and deeper as the sound of Vic whimpering my name echoed through my head.

The cold shower numbed the pain in my arm as the blood swirled with the water as I sliced my left wrist one more time. Imagining the day when there would be more blood than water filling this tub and my body lying lifelessly inside it. My head would be clear and my spirit would live peacefully. But not today, I was a piece of shit, I deserved to suffer right now. But soon, it would become too much. It had happened many times before. I knew how to do it properly this time. When I couldn't take the suffering anymore. Maybe I wouldn't do it in the bath, maybe if just starve myself to death, slowly, because worthless assholes like me deserve to suffer.

---

I laid in bed with the covers over my freezing body as I curled into a ball in my favourite long sleeve over sized shirt. The soft silk lightly brushing against the rough-ish red bumpy lines covering my wrists. Going at least four or five inches up my left arm. Good thing I had at least sixteen sweaters from my past. It made me sick and so, so depressed that I was doing this to myself again. But I deserved it, and it's not like anyone would tell me otherwise because it was true, I deserved to suffer.