Guardian

chapter five

The first place I could think of to transport to was Mikey’s room. He was leaned over his desk when I arrived and I smiled at how normal it seemed. My smile vanished quickly when I saw his heaving shoulders. Slowly, I walked over and placed my hand on his back.

“Why? Why would you do this Vic?” he was whispering to himself. “I could have helped you. Me and Tony could have helped you. You know we would have done anything for you… you… you were my best friend. What am I supposed to do without you?”

My brother’s heartbreaking confession tore me to pieces. On his desk, I could see the top of the letter I had left him.

Dear Mike,

I’m sorry. If you’re reading this then I am no longer with you. I couldn’t handle it any more. Every one I know hates me now- they make fun of me constantly. I’m tired of being called a fag and an emo. I know you and mom and dad will be upset but I’m out of choices. Please know that none of this is your fault and there’s nothing that you could have done to stop me. The only thing I ask of you is to try to stop this from happening to someone else.

Lots of love,

Vic

“I’m so sorry Mike,” I said helplessly. I felt tears beginning to well up in my eyes. “I’m so sorry… This is all my fault…”

I walked out of the house, stumbling around, trying to see through my tears. I had been sitting on the curb by the road and bawling my eyes out for about half and hour when I saw the same boy from the other day at the dock. He had an uncanny ability to show up whenever I was crying. I saw a case of beer in his hand and wondered who the hell thought he could pass as 21. Aside from the fact that he was incredibly short for his age, he was also baby faced. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was still given the kids menu at restaurants.

Upon seeing the boy, I was intrigued once again by what he was doing. Feeling a bit like a stalker despite the fact that I was dead and invisible, I began to follow him. When we got back to his house I realized why he had such a rough life. His dad was passed out drunk on the couch and as far as I could tell he didn’t have a present mother. I watched as he put the case of beer in the fridge, but not before pulling out four for himself. I frowned at him- that was a lot of beer for one kid, and didn’t he have school tomorrow anyways?

As soon as he got into his room he began chugging the first beer. While he started in on the alcohol, I took a quick look on his room. On his bedside table there was an essay titled ‘The Effects of Pollution on Animals – By Kellin Quinn’. Kellin… The name suited him. When I looked back at him he was finishing up his third can of beer and mumbling incoherently to himself.

“Stupid fuckin’ waste of space… Dad should’ve beat me to death already…” I couldn’t help but feel bad for him. And a bit guilty. This kid had it so much worse than me but he had still made it through- so why couldn’t I?

“Oh Kells… I’ll keep you safe.” Kells? Where had that come from? I wasn’t really the type of person who gave people nicknames.

Later, once Kellin had fallen asleep and I had pulled a blanket over him, I looked around his room some more. On top of his desk, written in black ink that scratched itself out in more than one place, was his suicide note.

Dad;

I’m sorry. This was my only

It’s your own fault anywa

Don’t even pretend that you ever cared

Sorry about the mess.

Something about the simplicity of the note before me broke my heart even more than a longer one would have. He didn’t have anything to say, or anyone to say it to. He merely considered himself a mess. I wondered briefly if he already had a date in mind. On a sudden impulse, I used all my strength to pick up the letter and tear it to shreds. In its place I left a note that said:

Stay strong. I love you.

When I was finished, I laid down beside Kellin in his bed, quickly blacking out from the strength it had taken to write the short letter.

I was woken abruptly the next morning by Kellin’s alarm going off. I heard him groan and watched as he scratched his head, then slammed his hand down on the snooze button. I admired him (somewhat creepily) as he got ready for school. Did he know how gorgeous he was? Clearly not, judging by the red and white lines criss crossing his arms.

I followed Kellin all morning, from biology, to english, history and then (finally) lunch. The most concerning thing that I noticed all day was that no one even tried to talk to Kellin, not even to ask about all the bruises. He was an outcast- just like me. Or at least, like I had been when I was still alive. The first time anyone said something to him was during lunch in the bathroom. Some Austin kid was bawling his eyes out about how Alan had dumped him. I had seen the two around school before but we’d never talked before. The two of them kind of scared the shit out of me if I’m being totally honest.

Kellin looked like he had no idea what to do about the giant blubbering boy in front of him. I laughed a bit at how innocent he looked; all wide eyed and shocked. It wasn’t until Austin grabbed Kellin in a hug that I felt a surge of jealousy. I was surprised at my own reaction. Was I beginning to have feelings for this boy? Was that even possible? I was dead after all. I glared at Austin for a good twenty minutes while he cried into Kellin’s shoulder and poured his heart out.

I was trying to reason with myself that I couldn’t be this overprotective of someone who didn’t even know who I was, when Austin reached forward and cupped Kellin’s face in his hands. Their lips had barely met before my fist came flying at Austin’s face. The impact of his cheekbone against my knuckles hurt like hell- I had never actually punched someone before.

I realized my mistake when I saw the look on Kellin’s face. It was half bewilderment and half pure terror. That was the second time I had moved something (or someone) in his presence; he was going to think he was haunted. Which I suppose he sort of was, given how I’d been following him around lately.

Before I could cause any more trouble I transported back to the beach. I needed to find Jaime and apologize. He had been right. Trying to communicate was a very bad idea. Also, having someone to talk to might actually keep me from going insane. I was about to call his name when I saw that he was already here, sitting in the sand. By the time I got a bit closer I saw that he had tears gliding down his cheeks. Was everyone I saw going to be crying? Is sadness something that follows you around in purgatory? Or had it always been there?

“Jaime?” I asked timidly. He looked away and I could tell that he was brushing away tears. “I just came to apologize… I was a dick, and you were right. I just wanted to be able to communicate with my brother and-”

“It’s okay,” he interrupted, giving me a weak smile. “I was hoping you would come back. It’s been lonely.”

I smiled at him. A real, genuine smile; something I hadn’t done in a long time. “Thank god.” I said as I sat down beside him. “So, I have a question for you. Is it possible to have, like, um, feelings for someone here?”

“For a long time I didn’t think it was,” he said, giving me a look that I couldn’t quite read. “But when you came along… I lied earlier. From the moment that I first saw you when you were still alive I was intrigued by you. You were so kind and gentle and hurt. I guess I sort of followed you. All I wanted to do was hold you and make it all better. Obviously, I didn’t do so well with that. When I got to talk to you though, and realized that it was even better than I had imagined… well… I don’t really know how to say this, but I think I love you Vic.”