Guardian

chapter thirteen

When I woke up that morning my head ached and the sun shone brightly in my eyes. I groaned as the memories of what happened last night hit me like a ton of bricks. What had I done? I'd probably traumatized all those kids, including Mike, and all because I was upset about what had happened with Kellin. Just thinking about how Kellin had reacted made me want to cry. It felt like every time I tried to look out for someone I screwed up. What was I even supposed to do now? Kellin didn't want me around anymore.

Instead of moping around, I decided to go and check on Mike, even though I was terrified to see how he was holding up. When I appeared in his room, I saw that he was still asleep, even at noon. I couldn't help but smile- same old Mike. I walked around his messy room, feeling slightly nostalgic. It was at times like these when I wished I had stayed alive and fought through it all. I could see it all so much clearer now- things have to get better eventually, things change all the time. I just wish that I could tell everyone else the things I knew now.

I was jolted out of my thoughts by the sound of Mike's phone ringing. I watched as he groaned and rolled over, searching for his phone on his bedside table.

"Hello?" he muttered groggily into the phone. "Yeah... awesome party... well I don't really remember much after ten... really? Nah man, they must've just been really high... mhmm... see you later. Bye."

I felt myself breathe a sigh of relief. Everyone was too high and drunk to remember what I'd done. I'm sure that the ones who do remember me throwing tables around psychotically just think they imagined it or something. After taking the call Mike stretched and got up, walking over to the bathroom to take a shower. Not really wanting to see that much of my younger brother, I went over to the kitchen. My mom and dad were drinking coffee and talking quietly at the kitchen table. A sudden curiosity came over me- what had happened to my room?

The first thing I saw when I entered my tiny shoebox of a room was boxes. Piles and piles of cardboard boxes, filled with my old things and carelessly stacked around the room. I looked around at the walls that didn't even look familiar without all the posters. When had they done this? I hadn't been dead for that long. What were they planning on doing with my room? Well... I supposed it wasn't really my room anymore. It was good that they were moving on and all but I felt strangely forgotten. I cursed myself under my breath. This is what I had wanted. It was done now and there was nothing I could do to change that decision.

After following Mike around for a bit I decided to go to the beach. All Mike was doing today was homework. Or more accurately, he was pretending to do homework while my parents were around and then fooling around on his laptop when they left. Besides, if I was going to sit around and mope, I might as well do it with some pretty scenery to console me, seeing as no one else could. The waves crashed onto the sand rhythmically as I lost myself in my own head. I found myself beginning to miss Jaime. I wondered if he still thought about me the way I thought about him, and if it was nice wherever he was. He deserved to be somewhere nice after how he's learned and changed.

Did I deserve to go somewhere nice? I mean, what exactly does a person have to do to make up for all the bad things they did while they were alive? Jaime disappeared right after he said he loved me so... does that mean he had to love someone? He did say he never really loved anyone while he was alive... right? It was so hard to remember now. Surely not everyone has to do the same thing. I loved lots of people when I was alive; mostly my family and friends. I continued to ponder what I had to do to leave this damned purgatory as the sun went down.

Several days passed where all I did was think. I'm not sure if I even registered all the passing time- it was like I was in a trance. When I finally did snap out of it I was sure I had my answer. I had to show someone I really cared. In all the time that I was alive, I was too self-indulged to see all the other people who were hurting just as bad as me. I see it now though; there's people who need my help, and one person in specific. Kellin.

I know that he wants nothing to do with me, but I also know that he needs me even if he's not willing to admit it. Besides, to show someone I care, I actually have to care about them first and I definitely care about Kellin. Maybe even a little too much. It was around eight pm when I showed up at Austin's house looking for Kells. I couldn't think of any other place he would be, unless Austin kicked him out, which didn't seem very Austin-like. Sure enough, Kellin was curled up on the couch watching Family Guy. Although, from the blank look in his eyes I could tell that he wasn't really paying attention to the show. His mind was on other things- and not very happy things from the looks of it.

Poor kid, I thought to myself as I moved to sit on the floor beside him. Before I was seated, Kellin sighed and reached for the remote, clicking off the TV. He stood up slowly and hopped up the creaky stairs to the guest room. When I reached the room he was staying in he was already sitting cross legged on the bed, pulling his collection of sharp objects out from a ripped seam in his pillow.

C'mon Kells, don't do this to yourself, I thought wearily. Apparently, my telepathic messages weren't working because he reached for the biggest blade anyways. However, before his fingers closed around the razor, he stopped, seeming angry with himself. In a fit, he grabbed the nearest pillow and tossed it to the floor.

"God, I'm so weak!" he whisper yelled. As if sensing my presence, he looked around warily. It didn't do him any good- I was invisible to his eyes. Not bothering to put away the tools he had been planning on using on himself only minutes before, he collapsed back onto the pillows and let out a sob.

"Vic..." I barely made out my name from his lips. "Please come back."

At first I was shocked. The last time I saw him he had been casting me away... and now he missed me? Jeez, it must be my lucky day. I'd missed him like hell too. Should I let him know I'm here? How do I do that without scaring the shit out of him anyways? The floor squeaked as I walked towards the bed, and he sat up in a split second. Trying to be as slow and un-menacing as humanly- er, ghostly possible, I picked up Kellin's razor blades and threw them in the trashcan under the bedside table. To my surprise, the tiny black-haired boy wiped away his tears and started to laugh.

"Dammit Vic, you scared me," he said between giggles. "I knew you were watching."

Again, to my surprise, I started to laugh too. I wanted to try something different today. I sat down on the bed beside him, pulled him close, and wrapped my arms around him with all my strength. As he did the same to me, I smiled.

"Dude, this is so weird," he muttered. I started laughing again. "Hey, I can feel you laugh. So... you didn't leave me then?" he questioned.

I pulled away and grabbed some paper and a pen off the nearby desk. I'll never leave you, I wrote, placing the note in front of him.

"Thanks," he whispered with a smile. We both fell asleep that night feeling happier than we had in a long time.