Guardian

chapter six

Austin flew back as if someone had punched him. This startled me because I didn’t touch him. He stared at me for a second and with wide eyes I noticed the red mark on his right cheek.

“I-I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have done that,” Austin was almost crying again.

“No it’s o-” I reached out my hand, but it was too late. Austin ran out of the bathroom.

I stared at my hands which started to shake. Did I punch Austin? I can’t remember now. My hands didn’t have any marks on them, but… what other explanation was there?

My breath started to hitch as panic took over my body. Before I even knew what was happening my body was shaking all over. Had I really just done that? I had promised myself I would never hurt anyone the way my dad hurt me. As tears sprung to my eyes I tried to remember what breathing normally felt like. I fell to the floor. Had there always been this little oxygen in the room? Or was my throat just closing up? The sound of my own hyperventilation only served to make me more scared. I said I would never do that…I didn’t wan’t to… My brain seemed to be stuck on the same thought. Why did I do that? Why would I ever do that?

I don’t know how long these thoughts were buzzing through my head, all the while no oxygen was able to reach my lungs. When the ability to breathe normally finally returned I looked down at my watch. 2:03it said. That wasn’t right… it was just lunch time… had I really just been sitting here for two hours? I wasn’t sure. I wasn’t really sure of anything at the moment. Had Austin really just kissed me? Was that really my first kiss? Did I really just punch him? I felt a tear fall down my cheek. I feel like I’m going crazy.

Slowly I stood up. I looked at myself in the mirror, my eyes were bloodshot, and my hair was a mess. I looked like a train wreck. My hands where still shaking a little but not as much.I decided it would be best just to go home. Without anyone noticing I grabbed my books and walked out of the school.

When I got home my dad was asleep on the couch. How surprising. He only had one beer laying around though, that actually was surprising.

I must have closed the door just a little too loud because my father woke up. “Kellin? Is that you?” Great.

“Yup…” I mumbled.

“You lil shit, where have you been?” Fuck, I knew where this was going. “The school called and said you missed your last two classes!”

“Since when do you care?” I barely whispered under my breath.

“What was that?” my father spat as he grabbed me by the arm.

“N-Nothing.”

“You know I don’t like it when people make me look bad Kellin,” and with that he flung me against the wall. I yelped out in pain as my already bruised body hit the cold hard surface. I knew there was nothing I could do to stop my dad once he gets started. I fell to the ground and my dad kicked me in my sore rib. I winced at the pain.

“Stay out of trouble that’s all I ask!” he started kicking me again. Tears were threatening to fall down my face, but I was trying my best not to cry in front of my father. When he finally finished kicking me he picked me up. “You made me look like a fool Kellin! What do you have to say for yourself?” It was all I could do to moan, to which he responded by punching me in the gut. I was winded as I fell back to the ground. As I gasped for air my dad growled: “You worthless piece of shit.” Finally, he left me after one final kick. I heard him go to the fridge, open up a can of beer and head to his room.

I finally let some tears fall when my dad shut the door to his bedroom. No matter what I did I was always a complete disappointment to him. I knew I deserved it though. After what I did to Austin… They say karma’s a bitch, and they weren’t kidding.

I stayed curled up on the ground for at least half an hour afraid to move, like if I made the tiniest noise my dad would come out of his room and start hitting me again. When I finally got up I headed for the kitchen. I decided beer wasn’t good enough and searched the cabinets for the scotch. I found the bottle and brought it to my room.

In my room I took the blades out that were in my pillow case, since the ones that were in my watch were currently at the bottom of the lake. I took a long swig from the bottle before making the first cut. I watched the blade glide across my skin, but I felt nothing. Not even relief. I enjoyed the calming sight of the scarlet red blood though. Maybe I would have to go deeper.

I took another long swig before I noticed something on my desk. A note? It didn’t look like my suicide note- had I written it last night? I walked over to my desk.

The paper said: Stay strong. I love you.

I definitely did not write this, and it wasn’t my hand writing, but…who could have written it? Certainly not my dad- he’s never said I love to you me before. Suddenly a wave of fear washed over me. I didn’t feel right, like someone is watching me. I turned around, but I was alone. I sighed and drank some more scotch.

I dragged my bade across my skin again, but I still felt nothing. Deeper. I will definitely have to go deeper. My head was starting to feel fuzzy and I almost smiled at how fast the effect of the scotch was working.

I rolled up my pant leg after putting some of the blades in my watch. If I was going deeper it will be easier to hide it with my pants. I grabbed my knife that was hidden in one of my books. I chugged some more scotch before dragging the knife across my leg. I loved the look of the blood falling down and I was finally getting the result I wanted. It wasn’t enough though. I cut again, and again, each time a little deeper.

I had lost count of how many cuts i made, i was lost in all the beautiful scarlet red blood. There was a lot of blood staining my leg but i still wanted more, maybe I’d never stop. Except for just then the knife flew out of my hand across the room. I looked up terrified, but there was nobody in my room. What’s happening to me? Am I truly going crazy? I started to sob. I hugged my knees and I cried in a ball on the ground.

I don’t know how long I was crying there for but eventually I got up… almost as if someone was holding me. I was too drunk to question it though. I just didn’t have the energy to care. Once I was in bed I thought I heard footsteps walking away and into the bathroom, but then I blacked out.