Guardian

chapter fourteen

All i have to say is i'm sorry.

((I'm not that sorry))

Masterpost

The next few weeks I spent with Vic and we became pretty close I guess. Well, as close as you can get to someone you can't actually see. Our conversations were all pretty much one sided, but that was okay because it gave me a chance to rant, which I had never really had the chance to do with anyone. I knew he was always listening because he would move something or hold my hand and it was very comforting. I ended up telling Vic more about my life than I had to anyone else. I told him about my mom and how she left when I was little and how my dad started drinking about a year later. I told him about the time he first hit me.

"It was summer after grade 4 and I had never really got an explanation as to why my mother left. I... I snooped around my dad's things one day after he passed out and I found my mom's email. That night I tried to email her, and I must have typed and retyped a hundred different things when my walked in. He was so mad he grabbed me by the arm and..." A solitary tear had rolled down my cheek and I couldn't finish the sentence. I felt Vic rubbing my back. I knew that he didn't need me to finish the story if I didn't want to just by the simple gesture.

I told Vic how I never had any friends growing up, and I told him how I usually said the wrong thing without thinking about it (like with Alex). I told him how I came out to my dad a year and a half ago and how that was a very unpleasant night but at the time I was just grateful he hadn't kicked me out that night. I guess now he was just tired of all my shit. I told Vic that although my dad lost his temper a lot I wasn't mad at him. I didn't say it was because I knew how disappointing I was. Vic didn't understand how I couldn't hate my father and he knocked a bunch of stuff down. I had told Vic so much stuff about my life in such a little time, and when Vic was around I didn't feel so alone. Sometimes though Vic would leave for hours on end and I have no idea where he is. When he's just gone like that sometimes I get that familiar itching feeling.

I realize just how fucked up I am when he leaves. I talk to a ghost, but I also find myself missing him.

It's been about a week now though and I don't know where he is. The first few days I tried reasoning with myself that he would be back at any moment. Now I'm starting to panic. Austin's house was so empty without Vic.

Of course he left. Who would want to hang around you after you've dumped all your shit on him Kellin? God I'm such an idiot. I slowly dragged the shiny blade I was holding across my arm. The relief I felt was almost instantaneous. It had been a while since I had cut. I did it again, and again, and again until my arm was covered in fresh cuts. I slept a little easier that night.

I woke up late the next morning. The clock read 8:20. Shit. I stumbled out of bed. I cleaned up my arm which took longer than I thought it would, threw on some clothes and practically ran to school. I ended up being 10 minutes late. Let me just say, Mrs. Redfern was not impressed. I got another detention. Fuck. All I wanted to do was get this day over with, go home and sleep.

The day seemed to be extra long. I really didn't want to be cleaning for an hour after school, but I didn't want to get into any more trouble. When I walked into Mrs. Redfern's class there were about a dozen people, including Alex Gaskarth.

Please god if you have any mercy do not let me be paired up with Alex. Please anyone but Alex.

"Kellin," Mrs.Redfern said snapping me out of my daze. "You and Alex are going to wash the graffiti off the lockers. Hurry along." So much for god.

Washing the lockers with Alex was agonizing. It was just so... quiet. I didn't know how to react. We had almost finished washing the graffiti when I reached a little too high and my sleeve fell down. I quickly pulled it back up but Alex was staring at me with wide eyes.

"What are you looking at?" I said a little harshly.

"I... you..." he paused and then grabbed my arm. I tried to pull away but Alex was a lot stronger than I was.

"Let go of me!" I yelled, but Alex pulled my sleeve up where my arm showed hundreds of faded scars and about a twenty or so fresh cuts.

He stared for a moment. "Why...?" I finally managed to pull my arm away and pull my sleeve down where it belonged.

"I, it's, you...you wouldn't understand" I stuttered out.

"But I... I want to understand," Alex said in a soft tone. I was taken aback. Why would...Alex of all people want to understand? He didn't seem aggressive right now, or like he was about to make fun of me.

"There's, um, different reasons..." I mumbled. Alex gave me a look that said to go on. "Well, uh, it can be a distraction, you know physical pain instead of mental pain... it kind of numbs you a bit..." I looked up at Alex. He looked at me for a second almost... sympathetically?

Suddenly, he snapped out of it and gave me a cold face. "Wow, not only are you a faggot, but you're an emo faggot." he laughed.

I looked at him with wide eyes. "W-what?"

"You heard me." I could feel tears threatening to fall. "Awe what are you going to do cry? You're pathetic. Go home and kill yourself." Alex spat. He took the buckets and walked away.

I was frozen. How could I have been so stupid? I knew I was disgusting. How could I let Alex see my cuts? Slowly I grabbed my bag and walked home. I walked slow so it took twice as long, but when I was finally alone in Austin's spare room I let myself cry.

I'm so fucking pathetic. I'm a dumb, queer teenage boy who couldn't be more of a disappointment to his father. I cover my body with scars and I look absolutely disgusting. As if my physical skinny appearance wasn't bad enough, but I had to go and destroy my skin. To make matters worse I went and complained about it to Vic and now... "Vic?" I half whispered. No response, but I didn't expect one. Now Vic is gone, and I almost did the same with Alex and he told me to kill myself.

I laid on my bed for I have no idea how long, 3 hours, maybe 4. It was starting to get dark and I had made my decision. Alex was going to get his wish. I walked out of Austin's house for what I knew would be the last time. I would finally not be any trouble for Austin anymore. I felt so bad that I had been such a nuisance, but not anymore. I walked to my dad's house. When I finally got there I noticed my dad's truck wasn't there which meant he was out. I slid my bedroom window open crawled through the tight space. Once inside I headed to the closet. Inside there was a box that I had to go on my tip toes to reach it.

I took the box and sat on my bed. Slowly I opened the box to reveal a beautiful black hand gun. I took a shaky breath as I loaded the gun with a single bullet.

This is it. I'm really going to do this. I just held the glistening object in my hands for a while as I cried. I'm so pathetic I couldn't even do this right away.

Get a hold of yourself Kellin.

I shakily held the gun up to my temple, but I just held it there before I cried out and put the gun down. "Fuck," I mumbled.

C'mon, no one wants you around anyways. Just do it already.

I held up the gun again but I held it about a foot away from my forehead. I took one last shaky breath and pulled the trigger.