What is it with people who betray others?
What is it that makes them do it?
Did I do something wrong?
Did I trust you too much?
Did I share too much with you?
Did I think you would really just keep your mouth shut?
Did I tell you something I shouldn't have?
Did you not feel the same for me as I did you?
Is it my fault you did this to me?
I thought if I just went along with it that it would all be okay.
I thought if I just pretended what you were doing was okay that after I graduated I could just disappear from your life and then I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore
I thought if I played your game that maybe I could get something out of it
I could get the attention that others weren't giving me and I could do the same for you
You would complement me and tell me how much you loved me
It may have been a weird way to show it but we made it work
Sure, we were "just friends" but lets face it. Online it was as if we were together
"Just friends" don't talk about such inappropriate things
They don't talk about their deepest secrets
They don't talk about what they would do to each other if something more was to ever happen
They don't send pictures and flirt like that
They don't look at each other like that.
We never did anything in person
Sometimes someone would say something and both of us would look at each other and laugh knowing how the other felt about it
or if it was something sexual we would nudge each other and know that it would be brought up later that night
We both knew things about each other that "Just friends" wouldn't know
Like you knew how big my tits were and I knew how big your dick was
You knew about the kind of underwear I liked or how I always slept without my bra on
You knew about the little birthmark on the right side of my stomach or the freckle on my left side of my stomach near my hip
You knew about the guys who I once trusted and how that trust was lost when their hands wandered and they didn't hear me say no
You knew how my family was and all of the problems that each of us had
I trusted you when I told you that stuff. I told you how each person in my family was really a good person but they were so good that they got hurt and that's how they ended up the way they did.
I told you about how I became such a cruel and dark person
About the boy who broke my heart but I would always go back to no matter what
Somehow you managed to get through my thousands of walls and got me to trust you with all of that.
But one day I noticed something
You weren't being as nice, I shrugged it off thinking that maybe you were just having a bad day and tried to not think about it
The next week or two was normal
One day you went and grabbed my ass, you claimed you were just trying to grab my phone out of my pocket
I don't know why I believed you
Next time you hugged me from behind and instead of wrapping your hands around my body or around my arms you grabbed my tits and pretended like it was normal
You pressed your body up against me. I wiggled my way free after a few seconds.
I tried to be more cautious around you in person and made sure we weren't alone in a room together ever again
After a few weeks of that you seemed annoyed and distant.
Slowly we stopped talking so much and you started acting like a tool
You would flirt with the new girl and your ex right in front of me all the time
I know we weren't official or anything but you knew I was the jealous type.
I got annoyed and realized that what we were doing was wrong
We both were using each other for something.
You had someone to talk to when you were horny and I had someone to give me attention.
It clicked one day and I decided to stop talking to you all together.
It was fine at first, you messaged me a few times and when you finally caught on you stopped for a few weeks before sending one message about wanting me back and how you missed me
I never responded but I made sure you would see that I read it.
Things were fine for a while. We didn't speak and you didn't pull anything.
I got closer to another guy in our class. Nothing sexual or anything like that.
One day we were talking and I asked him what made him really start to considering me as a potential new friend and why he started talking to me.
He said something about how we had a lot in common and how his friend said we both had difficult childhoods.
The friend who told him that we both had difficult childhoods was someone I never even had one conversation with at the time.
I asked how his friend knew that he told me that You were telling him about it.
I was terrified. I asked when you had told him this and he said you told him back during midterms. We were still really close then.
I felt like throwing up. I felt like my world was crashing all around me.
If you told someone that then what else could you have told people? Who else did you tell?
This pissed me off but I would soon find out that you talking about my childhood was way better than what you told people next.
I can't even say it... For you to tell people something so fucked up.
It was a lie. But how could other people know that? People probably believed you. I mean it would sure explain why I act so weird.
How do I even go about telling people that its a lie?
What bothers me so much is that we were still friends when you said this stuff. I can't imagine what you are saying now.
Is that why people have been acting so weird around me? Is that why people are making those jokes so much?
Is it my fault that you did this? Did I piss you off one day and you just snapped? Did it just slip out one day and you couldn't take it back so you just went along with it hoping I would never hear it?
I don't know what to do about it.
As fucked up as what you did was, I still miss you. I miss what we had, even if wasn't as good as I once thought.
Maybe one day we will be able to talk about this and I'll understand why you did it. Maybe we could even be friends again and you can fix what you did and apologize.
Or Maybe this will just stay the way it is now...
