Regrets (H20Vanoss) DISCONTINUED

Chapter 23 - Seeing The Obvious

Evan POV

I should've known.

I should've thought more about what Tyler said to me. All the answers were there...but did I see them? No.

"The only thing that's happening is that Jonathan is starting to show....but he wont ever stay. He's too far gone. He's called Delirious for a fucking reason"

His words repeating in my head. Picking out key words that made it simple to understand.

"...Jonathan is starting to show...wont...stay...far gone....Delirious"

The simplicity of it made me want to rip my hair out and scream out of frustration. The answers were always hinted at, either when it was the dark glow in his eyes when he saw what Smitty was doing to me, or the glossy, red eyes that filled with sadness when I hugged him.

Then again I never was good at 'reading between the lines'. A weakness of mine, one that has so far ruined me.

Two days, its been two days since Jonathan...or Delirious left. Leaving me in the emptiness and isolation of his home.

I miss him. Oh God I miss him so fucking much. The only thing keeping me sane is the feeling of his embrace that lingered on my skin. Even though that night took place a few days long ago.

Although does my sanity have anything to do with the depression that's consumed my mind? The eagerness to turn around or break any mirrors that showed a reflection I'm now forever disappointed in? I don't know, and I might never now if he never comes back. Or if he comes back to late.

Slow sluggish steps carried my body from the bedroom to the living room. Shoulders slouched, with no doubt an awful case of bed head. But I don't care. Not now. Not after finding out that my past actions, my past solipsist actions caused an evil being to take over and kill someone very close to the other that lived along side.

How he could 'recover' from that event I will never know for sure. But I can guess it's when Delirious decided to step in. That way Jonathan could hide away and take all the emotions with him. But for me, I don't have anyone else living inside my head. Its just me, and its terrible.

Two years of endless torture, emotional trauma and cruelty couldn't make me feel this way. This is different than how I felt then. Before, all I wanted was to get out and show Mark I wasn't to be broken. Prove to him how strong I was. I'm not that person. Not right now at least. Now, I just want to die. But not by my own hands, I've done enough damage that I can't make up for.

I've thought of calling Tyler. Telling him to do it for me. Although he'd never say 'okay' or 'sure'. He'd come pick me up and bring me to where he lives. And apparently, where Craig lives too.

So here I am. Leaning against the door frame. Still in the same clothes that he gave me when I took a shower. When I was confused about our relationship. And when I questioned myself why I care about him, and want him to hold me and not let go. Those questions don't concern me anymore. Cause I don't care about them. All I know is that I want him back, I want Jonathan back.

The front door jiggled. My heart fluttered and my stomach felt sick. But soon the soft whistle of the wind sounded. The small bit of hope faded away.

I backed up into his room. Dropping onto the bed making a faint thud as I hit the soft comforter. His smell enveloped me in comfort and tears slipped their way out of my eyes. Soon, multiple hot tears made lines across my face. My chest tightened and I felt I couldn't breathe. Yet I was still taking in oxygen.

The last I saw of him was in the hallway with tears on his cheeks. That's not how I want to remember him, or be the last memory I have of him. For as the being I saw two days ago was not his true self.

Delirious is weaker, emotionless, and scary as all fuck. But Jonathan is broken like the mirrors that surround me, he's capable of love. Yet he to can be terrifying.

I don't know if any of that is true, but if fate gives me any mercy. Then I'll be fairly close.