Melancholia

Withdrawal

"Fuck." I breathed out while exhaling the cigarette smoke.

The cravings are getting worse. Every now and then I think about the last time to took a ride, hoping the memory would be able to sate me but in reality, it's only making things worse.

Yesterday, my mother found me in my bedroom staring wide-eyed at the ceiling while hugging my knees to my chest.

Needless to say, she was worried sick and thought perhaps I was having a panic attack. Boy, was she wrong.

What she was witnessing was withdrawal. I've done research on withdrawal and how to can get over this without taking a ride.

So far I've discovered: "Learning to get through withdrawal symptoms can make or break your recovery.

"Withdrawal symptoms will vary depending upon which addiction you are trying to recover from, but there are also some basic similarities we can focus on.

"Withdrawal symptoms fall into three basic categories; 1. Physical symptoms, 2. Psychological symptoms, and 3. Spiritual symptoms."

Yeah, I was definitely feeling physical and psychological symptoms, but spiritual? What the hell does that even mean?

"Typical physical withdrawal symptoms may include the shakes, headaches, profound confusion, disorientation, hallucinations, hyperactivity, itching, sweating, nausea, anxiety, rapid heart beat, and increased blood pressure."

Definitely physical.

"Psychological symptoms-- Certain other addictions like eating disorders, gambling, self injury, or whatever other non-substance based addictions, may be more psychologically challenging than physically challenging to overcome, but it has also been proven that psychological withdrawal symptoms can produce physical withdrawal symptoms as well.

"You see, extreme fear of not being able to practice your addiction can set off all of your fear and panic alarms, which can lead to a physiological reaction to not having it.

"Those of us that have become mentally addicted to something, can feel that our addiction protects us from harm, and fulfills us in life, so facing life without it can set off our fight or flight responses and get a lot of adrenaline pumping through our bodies.

"Actually, ironically, addictions produce the very threats that are causing most of our problems, so it is actually creating the very danger and trouble we think it is protecting us from.

"It is pure deception at its worst. Plus we have trained our brain to live off of the endorphins we have been making it produce all the time.

"When we are withdrawing, we can become very defensive, aggressive, adversarial, oversensitive, and over-reactive, so we create our own threats and problems by lashing out at those around us, and we can actually create an atmosphere for a possible relapse. This crazy, angry, irrational stage will pass in time."

I doubt that. This will not pass. I can feel it in my fucking bones for God's sake.

I haven't had my dose in two weeks. Two fucking weeks. I need something to make this bearable.

Xanax would be really great right now if my prescription didn't need to be refilled.

"I guess I'll have to sort that out." I mumbled to myself.

I put out my cigarette and headed to the door.

***

When I got to Vanderbelt, a pharmacy about 3 blocks from my house, I saw a middle-aged woman with graying hair at the desk smiling as if she was listening to her favourite band's music instead of working here.

"Hello, welcome to Vanderbelt, what can I do for you, honey?"

"Uh, hi, I'm here to pick up my, uh, medication." I replied. Why was she so cheery? She's in a pharmacy for god's sake.

"What's your name, sweetie?" She said, still in an over-exaggerated happy voice, as if she's asked this too many times before.

"Cynric, Ma'am, Cynric Ferrier." I told her, a little rudely. My hands were shaking and my head was throbbing. I had no time to stand here and chit chat.

She tapped away on the computer and asked for a co-payment of $15. When I gave it to her she immediately walked towards the back and came back with a small white bag.

I assumed everything was in there so I took it and left without another glance behind me.

 **Xanax is an anti-panic and anti-anxiety medication. It's helpful to ease tenseness, nervousness, and worry related with nervousness disorders. It works by affecting the part of the brain that controls the emotions, thereby slowing down the nervous system.