Beaten, Betrayed, Violated.

Picking my brain

Have you ever wondered what it felt like to have a brain that worked differently than other peoples minds? If you were to take a scan of my brain and then compare it to any average person, my brain structure and chemistry is different. Lots of people think that being mentally ill is a choice.
Its not.
Nearly every day, I cry. I cry because I don't want to be the way I am. I can literally see how much easier other people have it.
I have something my psychiatrist calls "ultra rapid cycling bipolar with psychosis."
Basically, I am severely bipolar, and instead of being depressed for a couple days, and bouncing back, my mood swings are extreme and could happen at any time. I lose my memories if they're too emotionally charged lately, as this condition worsens with time.
I can have several mood swings in a day, but I haven't been "manic", aka deliriously happy, in years. 
I've been depressed for years. No, not middle school emo girl depressed. More like contemplating jumping off of my balcony, type of depressed.
Most of everyone is ignorant of this disorder and the way it works. Most people just assume that being bipolar means that you just have mood swings, or anger issues. These things just aren't true. If there's something you want to know, please leave a comment. I'll answer all polite questions.
This chapter will be to tell you what goes on in my head, so that my actions will seem less questionable as the story goes on. 

A Day In The Life Of, Me.

I don't have a clue how other people work, or even if any of you will understand what I mean from this point forward. I just hope I don't sound crazy.
There's a point that everyone reaches when they're annoyed or angry. You know, that point where your palms sweat, or itch, and you have to grit your teeth to stop the horrible words threatening to stream from your lips.  That point where all you can think is, "Shut the fuck up. Why won't you shut up?", and try not to slap said person.

I reach that point several times a day. Not for just anything. I have things that set me off. I'm not crazy. But, I will admit, I don't always handle my anger the way that I should.

My anger is always just below the surface, waiting for something to set it aflame. The most common way that I have a break down, is by interacting with people that I hold animosity for.
Normal people let things go.
Me?
Everything that is done to me, said to me, remains in my mind very consciously. I've been set off by hints reminding me of things that hurt or angered me. When I am reminded of these things, I am a prisoner to my thoughts.
No matter how hard I try, or how much I tell myself to stop, I can't.
The snowball effect grips me, and instead of being angry or annoyed with one person or event, I start having a mental breakdown and everything that person has ever done echoes in my mind. The hurt is still there, barely faded. I'm not sure about you, but being hurt by someone undeservedly makes me angry too. This just fuels my fire.
Eventually, I either confront them, leading to an altercation,  or I literally break down, have an anxiety attack,  and cry until I can bottle everything back up, where it belongs.
I'm never "content". I really don't know what that feels like.
What do you feel when you're not angry, ecstatic, or sad?
I feel nothing, except emptiness, and if I linger on it for too long, it becomes depression and hopelessness.
The only reprieve that I get, is from vicariously experienced emotions. I read, and it makes me feel again. Not happy, but I can cry, I can be curious, excited, and interested. I spend every day trying to fill a void in myself that will never be absent.
My disorder can cause me to have a shortened life span, and greater risk of a heart attack. All because I can never find a medication that works for me. (One that's legal anyways. Pot always helps me keep myself balanced and sedated.)   I've had one stress induced heart attack, and I plan on never revisiting the experience.
My life is empty, and I have a hard time feeling true emotions for anyone. That's why I don't have many friends. I can tell myself how I should feel, all day long. That doesn't mean that I really feel those things.
As cruel as it sounds, I only love a couple of people in this world. No, I wouldn't want to see anyone die or get hurt , but at the same time, I could care a whole lot more about how other people fare.
For instance. Three of the closest friends I've ever had, committed suicide in a year. I attended one funeral. And the only reason I went, was so I could give his daughter a shirt that Id given him as a gift years before.
I miss them, but it was their own decision. I don't cry about it. I feel nothing in regards to their deaths. I cried initially at the shock of the news, but that's it.
Yes, I know how fucked up that sounds.
But remember. I'm psychotic, and I lose touch with reality frequently. Your reality and mine a different. You probably see a light at the end of your tunnel. You dream. Aspire.
I simply exist. I am polite when required, nice when I don't immediately dislike a person. I feel like an empty shell compared to all these vivid feelings that other people described, because the thing I feel most is anger.
I don't feel like a person. I feel like  a thing. I feel like this thing that's just full of darkness. Like a black hole. Its there. You can see it. But there's no real substance to it, its worse than empty. Its vacuous. I don't even know if I know how to unbottle my feelings. My parents made sure of that, by making me feel ashamed to feel anything, and scared to be angry, for fear of them trying to beat it out of me.
I don't think I should even be alive.
If I could give my existence to someone worthier, someone who wasn't fucked up in the head, I would.
I don't want to be alive anymore. Then again, who wants to feel the pain of death.
I don't know if any of this will make sense. But I'm trying here.
Leave any questions in the comments. Or message me...

If anyone wants to talk trauma, maybe get some advice, you know how to reach me. Good day to you