nat's rant book

growing old

the saddest and happiest thing a person can do is grow older. it's mind numbing looking back on your childhood wishing you were still innocent enough to think the world wasn't always out to get you.

to stay alive you gotta make money. money rules the world. there's so much corruption and so much greed, but as a child none of those problems ever mattered. innocence sure as hell bliss.

growing old does have some benefits, like freedom. something you didn't know you needed as a child.

but growing old has downsides.

like leaving the state for college. leaving everything you've ever known, your family, for an education you have to pay for and people you've never met.

i trust you guys and i tell you more than i should, but lately i've been debating going to hawai'i for college. and let me tell you i want to go so so bad. I've lived in desolate, plain, gray, boring Nebraska my whole life. Going to hawai'i for college would be something I would do in a heartbeat.... if it weren't for everyone i'd be leaving behind.

Plane tickets aren't cheap. If i flew down there for college I wouldn't be back for four years. No more Christmases with family. no more late night drives with my friends back in Nebraska. no more knowing everyone and everywhere to go.

I'd be forgotten. My little brothers would forget what it felt like to have a sister, my mom would never forget me, but she'd get used to life without me. Everyone would.

Even J. The boy I've fallen so damn hard for. The kid who has held me when my mother was drunk and couldn't close her mouth. The kid who snuck out with me to go downtown at three in the morning in nothing but our pajamas. Sooner or later, I'll be gone. And so will he. Everything I've ever known will be gone.

The night I told J I was possibly going to Hawai'i I watched as the kid who has my heart lost it completely. He broke down and cried so hard i genuinely thought he was in pain. I held him as he unraveled at the mere thought of me leaving. Nothing is even set in stone, right now college in Hawai'i is just a thought. but it broke him, and four days after telling him, I called and he still sniffled into the phone when he picked up.

I would regret it if i went, I would regret it if I didn't.

"This dream isn't feeling sweet
We're reeling through the midnight streets
And I've never felt more alone
It feels so scary, getting old."