Ever since the car crash my biggest fear has been helplessness.
The feeling of sitting in a chair with members of my family all around me, as some man talks of my mom as if he knew her at the front of the room, my mom laying lifeless in a box she'd have to be buried in and knowing I couldn't do anything to bring her back.
I didn't cry, not once did I ever shed a tear for my mothers death. Nor, did I shed a tear when my father had left. Instead I kept all my emotion inside, feeling as if it would hold me together if I never let it out. The emotion was there, but I didn't show it.
Endless hours spent in therapy, my mouth not moving once. The therapist talked, but I just sat there and stared blankly at the material of the brown leather chair. That was until I cracked.
"Ember, as you were laying in the car what were you thinking?" The therapist stared at me, pencil and notepad in hand.
Silence.
"How about we talk about your relationship with your mom and dad before the accident?"
"I don't have a dad." I coldly replied, my gaze fiercely snapping to her.
Her face looked shocked, but quickly snapped to her notepad where she scribbled something down. I rolled my eyes and leaned back, the leather chair scrunching behind me.
"Could you tell me about him?" She looked up, staring at me as if expecting me to break down and spill my guts at her command.
Her hair was slicked back into a perfect bun, her makeup light besides her scarlet red lipstick. She wore a floral shirt and a black pencil skirt. She looked as if she hasn't experienced family issues a day in her life.
She probably sat around the table with her siblings and parents, thanking a god for their food that's never done shit for them a day in their lives. They'd talk about how'd school had gone and what her father did at work.
She probably got into the job for the sole purpose of helping people, something she could never do for me.
"There's nothing to say about him. He was a dead beat who didn't give two shits about anyone but himself and his whore. He did everyone a favor of leaving that night." I spat at the lady. Who does she think she is? prying into my personal life? It's really none of her damn business.
"Did you think about your dad after the accident?" She asked, pretending as if she didn't realize that I just yelled at her.
"No, I didn't have time to think about my father. I was forced to figure out how I was gonna take care of my sister." I decided to just go along with her questions, maybe if I talked enough I wouldn't have to come back.
"And do you resent your sister or parents for putting that responsibility on you?" She scribbled something down.
"Are you asking if I despise my mother for getting in an accident and dying or my father for leaving, because he didn't love us anymore?" I scrunched my eyebrows. Does she even realize how dumb she sounds.
"If so, no. those things weren't their decisions. My dad couldn't decide if he wanted to love us anymore and it wasn't my decision for that man to get drunk that day and send my mom through a window. I love my sister and she's the only person who hasn't left me. So no, I don't resent my family for putting the responsibility of taking care of my sister on me."
I've had dreams of drowning, screaming and kicking only to get nowhere. It seemed as if there was no surface and I was fighting for nothing. So eventually I'd give up and let myself sink.
I threw my hair up into a ponytail, staring at my reflection in the mirror. I brought my finger to my forehead, gently brushing it over a scar that was left when I slammed my head in the accident. It was tiny and starting to fade, usually I would just cover it with makeup.
For the longest time I wouldn't step foot into a car, the fear of having to experience that again holding me from sitting in the seats. I'd walk or ride my bike when I needed to get somewhere, which was most of the time just college.
I walked into my kitchen and filled my white, flat-faced cat's bowl with food. Then, slipping on my shoes and heading out the door to go to work, only to have to go back at the same time tomorrow.
