Hold Me In Your Everlasting Arms

Part 11: Screams

1. . 2. .3. . 4. . . . . 60.

I counted as I waited the adequate amount time before I got up to leave.

Exactly one minute after Ezra swung closed the door and the chimes from the slam echoed through the building, I got up to head home.

The barista and my twin both gave me a weak understanding smile as I left the cafe.

This immediate feeling of my patheticness ran through me. It is as though I am a dissappointment to every woman, teacher, school administrater, parent etc.

If only I had said 'no'

then this 'thing' would be done and over with. No more feelings just an impersonal and platonic relationship.

But at the same time I was tugged toward the goosebumps and the way he spoke to me, as if i matter, as if he needs me.

It was all wonderful and lovely, but awful and cruel at the same time.

I turned down a few more blocks holding my arms against the wind of the fall air, until I approached my dads street.

I swear, you could hear that goddamn viola from space.

My mind wandered from Ezra to my dad at home, what would he say about this? Would he say anything about this?

My dad spent most of our weekends with him couped up in the basement writing away on his typewriter. He used to be a journalist, but now he's a poet/novelest.

Walking in the front door the crying sounds of a viola, were matched by a screeching teapot and a clicking typewriter. I screamed feeling the sounds cramming into my head.

I yelled loud enough for the viola to stop, andEmma begin packing it up. Then her feet shuffled into the kitchen to turn the teapot off.

I face planted into a pillow and mumbled, "its not your fault",

a short time later I heard creeping steps ascend the basement stairs.

"Shes in a mood" Emma whispered obliviously,

without looking up I could sense my dad approaching me as a zebra would a sleeping tiger.

"Maude? Honey?" His voice told me he was unsure of himself.

I rolled over and he backed away slightly peering at me over his glasses.

Emma stood looking between him and me before he clapped his hands, "Okay!" he said gaily, "Well, theres a party tonight and people all over the city will be there," he sounded optimistic but I knew where this was going, "poets, up-and-coming writers, journalists, editors, publishers, teachers, professors." Emma stopped him before I could.

"Dad" her girlish voice rang, "You want us to go to a work party, for you." She was in disbelief.

I thought for a little bit. I could either meditate and eat ice cream until I solved my boy. . .man. . . whatever problem. OR I could use my dads work party as a good entertainment getaway. People watching ya know?

"Ill go!" I said peping up my voice. Emma and my dad looked at me shocked, I usually never went to these parties.

"Umm okay, be ready by 7?" He raised his eyebrows at Emma but she shook her head and sat down next to me.

I decided that id wear my cutest party dress and procrastionate this thinking about (((((him))))) as long as possible.