Hold Me In Your Everlasting Arms

Part 12: I'm its we you are us

I slid into the booth and even though it was a fall night, I couldn't help but feel warm all over.

A smile moved across my face as easily as Ezra had guided me through that party.

I watched my dad sit down and I tried to lessen my expression but it was almost as though the feeling extended from my body to his. The smile he gave me through his square glasses was sincere and happy.

We usually did this diner thing on Sunday nights, I liked it more when I was Emma's age, it made me feel a sense of superiority over my class mates when I went to school the next morning. Now, it makes me sloth through the halls in exhaustion. I just don't have the heart to tell him to stop.

He looked up, "So, you really like that boy?" He rose his eye brows, "or should I say that young man" . I knew where he was going with this. "Ha ha dad very funny, but he's no Salinger."

it never occurred to me how far apart we were from each other in years, when I talked to Ezra it didn't seem to matter.

My dad seemed satisfied, "I had a feeling you two would hit it off." I looked at him confused, why didn't Ezra ever mention that he knew my Dad.

I didn't feel like going into it, so I looked over the diner bar to the waitress and motioned her to come over. She was plump and had an expression that was a depressing mix of indifference and exhaustion. It made me feel that by asking for a coffee I was provoking her to cry.

She took down our order (although it was only two coffees) and went back behind the brewer.

My dad intertwined his fingers and placed his plams on the back of his head.  He still had that stupid content-with-myself smirk in his face. The same one Blake wears whenever she corrects a teacher.

it was a long silence of that face burning through my warmth and evoking the cold from my body. Not even the coffee could reheat me. "Dad what." I said harshly, annoyed with his boyish face.

"I was right," he started sipping his coffee. "You know that Ezra seemed to have an interest in you from the very beginning, when I met him last year." I felt a shrill of awkwardness come through my body. Why didn't Ezra tell me about this, had he been stalking me? I didn't let my Dad know that I had no idea  what he was talking about. He continued filling in the blanks.

"See, he's an up and coming writer. He's always on the prowl to make new friends and better himself socially. We became close last year. I mentored him for a while." I followed his lead and sipped my coffee to show him I was interested. He went on," We ended on bad terms.. but his twinge of rebellion always reminded me of you." He looked at me with that stupid smile. Before he went on I stopped him. "What do you mean bad terms?" He almost didn't tell me, "Umm. . Well he believed that he had. . .lets say he thought his ideals and morals were more in line then mine." I didn't ask him anything else.

His face changed to a more stern face," Look, I told him how much you mean to me. . ." He inferred something but I didn't get it right away. "Ezra knows that you are a sweet girl, he also knows that I truly value how you see me." It clicked.

Was Ezra trying to use me to get back at my dad?? " Dad do you know what you are saying?" I was in disbelief at his accusations. He brought the coffee up to his mouth and we sat their in silence.

"You have to tell me what that argument was about." If I was going to be mad at Ezra I needed to know why.

"I can't tell you, if he's a man he will see that what he is doing is wrong." My dad finished bitterly and suddenly I wanted nothing more than to crawl into his lap, like I did when I was younger, and just sit there being held.

I felt so powerless and vulnerable. But angry that both my dad and Ezra made me feel this way. I thought back to the hesitation he had when we were in the coffee shop and he mentioned my Dad. I thought back to earlier when he smiled when he saw my dad. It wasn't a happy smile it was . . it was. . .

the same smile my dad had when he knew he was right.

He betrayed me, and my emotions. The silence stretched to an hour and nothing in my head was resolved.

I began to practice conversations that I would have Ezra, no longer hoping he'd fall in love with me, now all I wanted was for him to never talk to me.