Hold Me In Your Everlasting Arms

Part 11: Do I Wanna Know (You)

I pulled my coat over my short party dress, I played with my tights a few more minutes perfectly aware that my father was ready to leave without me.

I dont want to go anymore, I thought to myself, unable to disappoint him. I got up smiled and he escorted me to his car.

We got in, talked about school for a little bit, but it wasnt long before we nearly ran into one of the parked cars that lined either side of the long street.

I opened the door, feeling the bitter air made me whimper and want to shut it again permanently.

"Well, lets go!" My dad said, he had walked over to my side of the car and he leaned his arm over for me to take.

I fixed my tights one last time and rose to meet him.

"You'll really love it," he started then he lowered his voice, "and it might get you some exposure." His eyebrows raised referencing my poetry. I rolled my eyes because I had told him 100x times that my poetry was something I did for myself

We walked up the stairs to the front door of someones house. "Alex! Oh my and date? Alex honey, we havent seen you in a while." This older looking woman yelled to my dad, he smiled and kissed her on the cheek, "Sidney, this is my daughter Maude!" He showed me off, he never seemed so proud of me.

"Hi sweetheart nice to meet you!" before I could respond her lips were on my cheek. "Come in! Come in!" I noticed the full wine glass in her hand.

We took our coats and shoes off, I noticed how full the party was, after a couple "This is my daughter Maude's" I met this one woman who was a poetry publisher for a magazine. I began talking to her.

"So you write?" She asked and I told her all about my journal, that I mostly kept it private. "Don't tell you father Im telling you this, but he has shown me your poems." I felt embarassment come over me, "Oh, dont be upset, they are very good!" She said but I couldnt tell if she was just comforting me, or honestly liked them. "Thank you, thank you" I began to lose interest in her, and pretended to see someone I know.

"Everyone this is Alex's daughter!" Sidney gabbed my arm and pushed me into her group everyone shouted giving me hugs. One man said, "The poet?" oh I was so mad, I didn't even know my dad had ever read them, but I worked it. "In the flesh!" I smiled, then they turned back to their conversation and I ran looking for a bathroom.

As I walked out someone bumped into my side, "Oh Maude I was looking for you!" My dad cried, I noticed he now had an empty wine glass. "Im just over here talking, come introduce yourself!"  "Dad. . . " I started but he didnt let me finish.

My dad led me to a group of boys in their 30s all talking about their teaching, a few had their back turned and my dad started in his proud tone, "Boys, this is my lovely daughter Maude" They stopped talking and looked at me with eyes that made me realize how short my dress is. I held it in and smiled, "Nice to meet you all" I said looking around them, they were all so handsome. I looked to my dad but he had went back to the kitchen for more wine.

Some of the ones who were interested in me began talking, "How old are you" (are you legal) "I love that dress" (youre hot) "What are you doing tonight"(Can I fuck you?) You know all the basic questions.

"Im sorry but you must excuse me Nate." A familiar voice rang in my head, but instead of smiling I stood my ground.

He pushed past Nate and stood close to me. He smiled, and I could barely keep it in, "Have I met you somewhere before?" his voice lingered in my ear, Ezra what does this mean to you?

I cocked my head to the side and shook it putting my arm out, "I don't think so" I said as he leaned to kiss my hand.

I noticed Nate was watching in disbelief, if only he had known, if only they all knew then I could be proudly showed off by Ezra rather than my father. He kissed my hand and rose his head up, "Lovely to meet you then, my name is Ezra." I couldnt help but smile, as much as I hated him and us it was in the moment and hard to resist.

"So Maude, I've been thinking," He rasied his eyebrows to me, then continued, "In these last few minutes, and I think I want to know you." He gestured his suited arm toward me to grab, I reached out and he led me away.

As we walked through the party quietly, I began to feel remorse for acting without thinking, I pulled my arm away and felt a cold wall come in between us. I felt him look at me, but I kept my head straight. I barely knew what I was doing, why does he make me feel like this? So out of control?

We approached a lonely corner of the room and he looked down at me, "Before you run off wont you please give me a chance to tell you what Ive thought about today?" His sincerity struck me and I crossed my arms, "Ezra I dont know, it seems like we are constantly stepping on each others toes."

He started saying what he needed to say, but I was worried that it would put me in an even worse position, "Do I wanna know?" I said sighing looking at him, he leaned toward me, but I still didnt let him kiss me. "You" he breathed out then leaned back "All I could think about all goddamn day, was you, I thought to myself 'This is it, I dont need to think anymore shes the answer' Maude please understand that Im willing to try if you are"'

The answer seemed so obvious, but the rational voice kept screaming in my head, "You know the consequences." I lowered my voice, It seemed I was talking down to him. He repeated what he had said. "Im willing", I grabbed his hands smiling. Before I could say anything I looked over to sed my Dad holding my coat and shoes in an expectant manner. Instead of answering, I smiled at him and said, "See you tomorrow," He looked like he was going to laugh, and I dropped his hands and moved toward my Dad.

I knew that not answering was the best answer. It always seemed as though we had a secret code, like what we dont say is understood more than what we do say. Thats what I liked about us, our gestures ambigious enough to keep us crazy, and our silence loud enough to be understood.

Walking out the remorse was gone, I was walking on a cloud and I didnt even remember getting into my Dads car.

Everything seemed to move so fast until my dad pulled up to a 24 hour diner, "So tell me about him" he said getting out of the car I followed him, just happy that he was making an effort.

Even though he could never know, or understand, I was now 'with' Ezra Koenig. And that was all that mattered.