Susceptible

Chapter nine

Waking up in the morning I immediately wished I could fall back asleep and forget everything. During some point in the night my crying gave way to exhaustion and I fell asleep, but I didn't remember it happening. My eyelids were heavy and I was still in my sundress. I quickly took it off as it was a reminder of Alex's hands on me. I crawled back under the coverss in my underwear and pulled the blankets to my chin.

I slowly let my mind wander to what I didn't want to think about. My death. My supposed death. I still couldn't believe that Sam thought I was dead. I couldn't imagine it. We were such integral parts in each others lives. Who was I really without Sam? There was no Adriana without Sam. It just didn't work like that.

I felt pain in my chest, as if my heart literally was ripping in two. I couldn't think about what it would be like to lose Sam. I thought about it way too much when he first became a hero. But he was out there thinking that I had actually died, and I was stuck here with no way to tell him otherwise. Thinking about what he was going through hurt me.

I knew Alex said Sam showed no emotion when delivering the news, but that was just Sam. He didn't express his feelings. He had to care about me though. He had to be upset. Thinking otherwise hurt even more. Alex did say Sam knew there was a chance I would die when he chose the bus of people, and that was true. As much as I wanted to not be upset about that I still was. I wanted my life to be more important to him than theirs.

No, I had to shake off those thoughts. I was being selfish. I had always known saving the city came first no matter what. It was prioritized over our relationship, but that's just the way it had to be. My selfish wants to be with Sam couldn't come over someone's life. But this time it was my life. It was my life Sam chose to give up.

But Alex had promised that I would be kept safe. Even if Sam had some doubt over my safety there was still nothing he could do. He couldn't be selfish too, and choose one life that meant a lot to him over lots of lives that meant something to exponentially more people. They all had family and friends...

Oh no my family. Did Sam tell them I died? What would be the story? He couldn't come out as the Midnight Hour and explain everything to them. My parents would never be able to take it, and they would hate him forever. I groaned and pulled the sheets up even higher.

I imaged how my parents would take the news that their daughter is dead. We didn't spend tremendous amounts of time together anymore, but they loved me nonetheless. Thinking about them finding out added to my pain. And all my friends too. They would start senior year without me. Would they feel my absence in the group?

I thought about my second family too, Sam's family. Gabe, my little Gabe, I didn't want him to be sad. I didn't want him to think I had died, and I hoped Sam protected him somewhat from the truth. I wondered if Sam told his own mom the truth though. The truth of course being a loose term as I was really alive. I wondered if Mrs.Walker understood why Sam had to give me up. I hoped she did, I hoped she gave him the support he would need. I hoped she helped him face his emotions I knew he would try to hide from.

What if he face his emotions too well though? What if got over me quick? My brain quickly changed thoughts. I didn't know how long it would be before I finally escaped. What if he moved on with someone new? Would he still want me when I broke free?

It was all too overwhelming. My head hurt and my heart hurt as I pulled the blankets completely over my head to block out the incoming sun.

It felt like I didn't move forever. I was  wallowing under my blankets. It was almost as if I had really died, I mourned the loss of myself as I imagined others mourning me. I had never felt so hopeless. I imagined myself slowly rotting away in this apartment left with no way to break free, no way to let them know I was okay.