Susceptible

Chapter twenty one

Life is full of irony. So much so that sometimes I wondered if I was actually living in a damn Shakespeare play.

I knew my life would be less ironic if I learned to live without so many secrets. But secrets had become a part of me, something I made myself become so dependent upon there was no way I could live without them now. I lived several lives at this point. Lives that I didn't want to interact. Lives that I tried my hardest to make sure that they didn't overlap. No one knew the whole me. Not anymore. Because no one could possibly be a part of all of my worlds, they were too vastly different from one another.

As I said goodbye to my best friend I felt the wave numbness start to hit me. That was the thing about living different lives. It left me exhausted from all these different versions of myself to the point where I didn't know who I was. Am I loud and outgoing? Am I soft-spoken and shy? I couldn't remember anymore.

Darkness was slowly starting to creep up and the heat of the day was beginning to fade making me pick up my pace as I left downtown and approached my apartment. In the front lobby I avoided the elevators opting for the stairs, and as I walked I couldn't help but to think about how everyone had separate lives. We all compartmentalized aspects of ourselves to come out in certain times. And sometimes we all have things we just want to stay out of other areas of our lives.

I understood that concept more than anyone. That's why when Adriana sat down and took a sip of her coffee I didn't bother asking about her kidnapping. I could see it in her eyes that she didn't want to bring out that aspect of her life with me. And that was okay. So I was the talkative and bubbly and happy best friend because that was the version of me that came out around my friends. That was a role I knew how to play.

Unlocking the door to my home, I felt a new version of Courtney wash over me. One that wasn't loud or really interested in the celebrity drama but was refined and poised. One that learned gracefulness from her poet Dad and sophistication from her doctor Mom.

Stepping into the house I was greeted by the sight of an elderly woman with graying hair scolding a young girl with smooth golden skin and flouncing curls who was ignoring the lecture she was currently getting, by laughing and continuing to play in the living room

"Hey Nana." I called out to my former nanny. By the time I was getting too old to be watched after by her out came my sister securing my Nana's stay in the house for that much longer. She looked up at me pushing back the few wispy hairs that had escaped from her bun and let out a sigh.

"Have I ever told you that you're the better child?" There was exasperation in her voice as the bright sound of kid's laughter continued to ring out.

"All the time Nana." I said passing through the living room.

My home was large, excessively so, as my parents had more money than they knew what to do with, something that I tried to hide well. No girl's night sleepovers at my house. Lightly dodging any questions that would reveal my parent's wealth. My family life was one of my worlds I kept as separate from the rest.

I climbed up the stairs and walked down the hallway opening the door into my room. It was clean thanks the cleaners who must have come today, but because of the furniture my mom imported from Sweden and the minimalism look of no clutter my dad claimed would 'bring peace to our souls' it made my room not even look like my own. It wasn't a teenage girls room. It was a room that you found in between the pages of a magazine you read in a hair salon.

I set my purse down on my desk, its surface bare. The desk called to me, and my fingers hesitated over a drawer filled with pictures covered in dust that were printed out from the corner CVS. I withdrew my hand from over the knob. They were covered with dust for a reason, and that wasn't going to change now.

Frustrated from on the onslaught of tiredness that suddenly hit me I pulled my hair up managing it the best I could and kicked out of my clothes leaving them splayed across the floor. I crossed my room going into the bathroom and turning on the shower as hot is it could go.

Waiting for the water to heat up I looked at my naked body in the mirror. I recognized myself as nothing significant about my body or appearance had changed in the recent months, but just because I recognized the body as me, didn't mean it still felt right. I stared into my eyes in the mirror feeling total disconnection with the dark eyes that stared back.

Now was not the time to get lost in my thoughts, and I realized that turning away from the mirror as to not dwell on it any longer. The hot water hit my back and my body immediately began to respond as my muscles one by one began to release the tension of the day. They ached, and I massaged myself down the best I could trying to take better care of myself physically. Scrubbing my face with a washcloth was the final step to making me feel brand new, cleansed of the day, and ready to start over again. Stepping out of the shower I ran a towel over my body. The steam from the heat of the shower had fogged up the mirror preventing me from looking at myself again.

I stepped out of the bathroom and as I walked to my dresser I let my towel fall to a heap on the floor. I knew my mom would complain if the saw the mess of my clothes and towel on the floor, and I felt bad for making more work for the cleaners, but the few articles of clothing strained across the floor were the only thing that could make the room distinguishable as my own.

Opening a drawer, I slipped on underwear but didn't even bother with the silk pajamas that rested in the drawer below. It was too early to go to bed for most. My mom was still at the hospital, my dad was still off doing whatever it is he actually does, and Nana hadn't even put my sister to bed yet, but I needed every second of sleep I could manage to get.

I crawled into my bed pulling the sheets all the way up to my chin. I watched my ceiling fan spinning slowly trying to help beat the remaining of the summer heat. I took a deep breath in and when I released it came out shaky as a tear rolled down my face. Now was not the time to cry. I had no reason to cry except for the empty pain that filled my heart. I was alone, there was no way for me to act except for like myself, but I didn't know who that was, which Courtney was the real Courtney. They all felt real like a part of me, but none of them were all of me.

That was another subject to dwell on another time I decided as I tried to push all my thoughts out of my head. I rolled over onto my side and did the only thing this Courtney needed to do at the moment. I fell asleep.

I woke up to the sound of my phone's alarm going off softly by my head. I opened my eyes squinting at the contrast of the bright screen in the dark room and turned off the alarm. I closed my eyes again feeling the odd shock from being pulled out of a dream and into reality. I regathered myself separating what had happened in the dream and from what the reality of my life actually was.

I unlocked my phone and looked at the time. 12:03 AM. I let out a quiet chuckle. I pushed back my covers feeling the cool air from the fan hit my legs. As my feet touched the carpet I began to sing softly.

"Happy birthday to me..."

I went to the bathroom washing my face to wake up and readjusting my curls in their sloppy updo.

"Happy birthday to me..."

I opened the very bottom drawer of my dresser and lifted up a t-shirt to get the garment that was behind it. One leg at a time I slipped into the purple and green spandex.

"Happy birthday dear Phantasm..."

I put on my mask and stretched, letting myself feel my power come alive.

"Happy birthday to me."