Saving Amaya

Chapter 5

This morning I woke up before my alarm, which really doesn't happen often. I treasure my sleep more than just about everything else in life. I've been a little on edge trying to sleep lately because of that stupid dream.

The perfect thing to wake me up is a shower. My body finally starts relaxing while I'm standing under the hot water. I'm probably in the shower way too long, but it's not like anyone else needs the bathroom, so I take my time. It isn't until I hear my alarm go off in my bedroom that I decide to exit the warm safety of the shower. The cold air catches me off guard and I hurriedly wrap myself in my towel. Not that the towel covers my whole body. There's always the exposed skin that the towel can't cover that is the coldest.

I run to the closet and grab some random clothes. It's not like it matters what I wear, so whatever works. The cloth catches on my wet skin a little and makes me uncomfortable. My day has just started and I already want to go back to bed.

I don't bother drying my hair, it'll dry itself eventually. So I just brush it and leave it down to dry. I'll have to redye it soon, my light brown roots are starting to show through the blue. Doing my makeup and listening to music through my headphones, I deem myself good enough and head downstairs for breakfast. I usually don't eat breakfast because I don't have enough time, but since I woke up early today I made some toast before school. While I was eating my toast, I checked my school email and saw that football practice was cancelled tonight because the coach was sick. Nice! That means I have time to relax today.

As I was walking out the door, I make sure to grab Johnny's flannel that he lent me at the party. I had washed it yesterday so I could give it back to him today.

Today felt like one of those days where the cloud was right over my head. The cloud of depression. It makes it hard to breathe. It makes it hard to think and feel. It happens every now and then, the days when you feel bad for no reason. Well, worse than usual. Like your head and body just hurts randomly. Those days hurt. They lay the depression deeper than usual and make me want to do anything to stop feeling like that. Those are the days I hurt myself the most. Just to feel something. Something but the painful numbness that my brain can't release.

I haven't found a cure for these days yet. I've been dealing with them for about four years now, but every time it feels like I'm just not there. There's a painful film between me and the world. Just one of those perks of being me, I guess.

My mind is a million miles away when a car horn brings me back to Earth. I realize that I've been sitting at a green light for a little too long, making the car behind me impatient. Waving an apology towards the car behind me, I speed off to school. Looking at the clock, I think I'm going to be a little late. Breakfast must have really slowed me down this morning. I swiftly park and run inside with barely a minute to spare. Everyone has already gone inside, so it's just me running towards my first hour. I slide into the room just as the late bell rings.

"Cutting it close today, Amaya." Mr. Hartwell asked me when I walked in the classroom door.

"Still made it in time." I smile at him. He gives me a look before turning back towards the whiteboard. I grab my seat next to Hannah and wave at her. Mr. Hartwell has already started class so Hannah's attention is not on me. It's okay, because my attention isn't on Calculus. The cloud prevents any complete thought to go through my head. So I sit numbly through my class, not retaining anything. As if my body is on autopilot, I float to my next class. Not really minding the comments people say under their breath. Right now, my brain is reminding me of the pain in my thighs. How it feels to hurt myself. How it would feel to watch all my blood spill out of my body. To feel lifeless.

My body slams into something since I was distracted, sending me stumbling back. When I look up, I see Johnny's hazel eyes staring at me with concern.

"Are you okay?" He bends down to grab the book I must have dropped.