I've just been laying here in pure serenity. They guys still haven't come home and i'm guessing Nash saw to that. Not that i'm complaining, of course.
We'd showered together after a while of laying and talking animatedly amongst ourselves on the floor of Nash's art room a couple hours ago. You know after finally doing the do.
Since that moment i just feel so attached to him. It was on thing before where i still felt this insane connection with him because you know he was my bestfriend. But now that i've come to terms with our feelings - him and i both - it's like we share a relation on such a higher level.
I feel at peace with myself and current situation.
I've been laying in Nash's white blankets for a while now just watching tv and occupying myself with my phone. It's 9:14 pm when small amounts of chaos can be heard and i know the guys have entered the house.
I guess i spoke too soon. It was nice to have a day alone with Nash though. today specifically.
Nash is downstairs cooking a big dinner. I offered my help because i wouldn't mind seeing a shirtless Nash with fresh heckies and scratches roaming around. If anything that is my ideal heaven. But he insisted i lay down. That I had a hard day.
My mind takes me back to when we were having sex. I remember staring straight ahead- you know the times my eyes weren't shut in either pain or pleasure -at a curtained wall.
Curiosity creeps up on me and in a flash i'm back in the room i gave myself to Nash. I walk around taking closer looks at the canvases that nash has painted on.
They're all so beautiful. I've always wished i could do things like this but i will never depend on that.
Lastly i come across the canvas Nash wanted me to paint on and i chuckle to myself.
"Look how that turned out." I find it funny considering there's literally nothing on the paper. We got too distracted... Though, i'm not complaining.
My feet cross over each other and turn me towards the great wall. No pun intended. I worry slightly at what might be under, so i don't immediately take the Sheet down.
I cross one arm over my chest and rest the other on top, pacing back and forth.
"What could you be?" I ask the wall as if it'll answer back to me. Hm. Doesn't look like i'll be getting an answer any time soon.
I find a step ladder in the very corner of the room. I'm assuming he decided it to pin this large curtain up. I try not to make too much noise but the latter is made of metal and it falls right in front of my feet and i nearly panic.
Why am i so worried that Nash may hear? I feel like i'm doing something bad. Like he'll catch me with my hand in the cookie jar. Well maybe that's because if he wanted you to see he would've unleashed the damn thing when he spent damn near 5 hours up here.
At that point i wonder if i'm doing the right thing or not. I mean he couldn't have expected me not to be curious.
The door is open a crack and i can see a little bit of the far side of the living room. Reese is sitting on the couch but he doesn't notice me from his spot.
standing on this ladder, i can see a lot down there but not too much. i can't see the kitchen considering its location. Either way i fix the baggy white sweater covering my body and begin to take the nails out of the wall.
I run with the ladder to the other side and when i drop it down i don't expect it to be so loud. I cringe. i could never be a spy. I crouch as i try to stand on the stool. Standing up and being closer to the door i see reese looking up at me this time and he laughs.
"What the hell are you doing, Cam?"
As if it weren't possible for me to cringe even harder. Great. Nash defiantly heard that but itry to ignore it by going faster to take the second nail out. When i finish the whole sheet falls to the ground and i'm met with just about the most phenomenal painting i've ever seen.
I stand in front of it and i caress my arms as i start to feel close to Nash again. My eyes water a little realizing just how much he cares for me.
Painted there in the center of the wall are two eyes. Both pressed together and i can see the relation between them. I can see emotion. Brown and blue coming together to tell the story of Nash and i.
A tear slips and i wipe it away in a hurry. This isn't one those sad cries but it's not exactly happy either. it's one that is caused by an overwhelming sense of something.
Right now i'm just feeling so many emotions. they're all spilling out of my eyes...
I hear the very small creaks of the door, making me turn my head so fast i get dizzy. Nash stands there and he isn't mad. He seems content. He walks over.
"I was waiting for the morning but I guess you couldn't." he smiles. I blush in embarrassment.
I knew i wasn't supposed to see it. Either way i don't respond by explaining myself.
" Do you like it?" he asks and it's almost as if he's scared. I nod my head incredulously.
"Do i?" That's an understatement. It's the most breathtaking thing he's ever done. It may be simple but i can tell he put thought and effort into it. I turn to him and hug him, digging my face into his neck. Wraps his strong arms around my waist.
"speak your mind." He says. He knows me. He knows that i have a lot going on in my head and i needed that extra push to speak up.
"I appreciate you more than life." I mutter into the crook of his neck. I feel him smile and he begins to rub my back with one hand. "I mean it, Nash." I look up at him and I notice he has gum in his mouth once again.
He looks at me and his hands drop to mine. Soft lips meet the back of my hand and i blush deep red. Such a small gesture has me set on fire. He smiles real big and soothes over the burning skin.
"I love you. I don't know if you know how long i've wanted to say that to you but..." His smile gets even bigger and he looks up at he ceiling licking his lips. I don't want to cry again from my emotions so i try to just listen.
"Cameron, i want to stay here. I want to be here with you for as long as you please. And i want to spoil you; buy you everything your little heart desires." Welp. There goes my goal.
"I want to draw you while you sit on the couch in my pajamas. And i want to marry you so that i know you won't leave me," When he says this tears slip from my eyes. He grabs both my cheeks in his hands making me look up at him. A kiss is placed on my forehead.
"I've lost someone before. The pain was too much. i don't want to feel that again. I don't want to lose you so i have do whatever is necessary..." He let's go and holds my hands. All i can do is listen.
"A long time from now we'll have it all. Together i promise. I need you.... because you make me better. You make me stable and improve my state of mind."
His eyes are blown to saucers and i see every emotion in the book swimming in is oceans for eyes. "Tell me you love me." He almost begs of me.
I open my arms for a hug and he gladly accepts. I just cry into his chest. "I love you,too."
That's all i can say because i can't voice myself like he does. i don't have a bunch to say off the top of my head , it isn't that easy for me. But i hold on to him for dear life and he doesn't let go. And we spend the night in what is now my favorite room in the house; holding memories i never want to forget.
•••
all done. making this book was the most amazing thing. I'm actually proud. I hope you enjoyed it just as much as i enjoyed writing it.
