a collection of my thoughts

cards

i used to come home from school and shuffle cards, i shuffled them until my hands turned red and my skin formed blisters. it made sense to me, there was no formula or "right" way to do it. i used to come home and shuffle cards, practicing new ways to do so while listening to music. separating the right amount, shuffling them, they all cascaded down forming a bridge, mixing in complete bliss. it distracted me, made me focus even. sitting here thinking about you, i wish i had some cards in front of me because when i think of the smile that plays on your lips i feel distorted and my thoughts become murky. i used to come home and shuffle cards because it made me feel like i was "good at something." i shuffled the cards until they were bent at the edges and worn down. i came home today and pulled out the same deck of cards i spent so much time on and my heart strings were tugged when i realized i had loved them so much because they reminded me of you. they were battered by the harsh nimble fingers, like the ones that got pointed at you each day, but still people fell in love with them because they were everlasting with a purpose. i treated you like a deck of cards, i made you less stiff, opened you up, never leaving when you werent the pearly white you once used to be. you left me, wanting to be the new board game that filled the shelves of every store, not caring that even though you were as simple as a deck of cards someone was willing to love you for who you were. i came home and threw away the deck of cards in an attempt of moving on, but really it made me miss you more. to this day i dont shuffle cards anymore without feeling bile rise in my throat and a memory of you coming up and i wish i knew how to stop it. because shuffling cards was easy to stop but you, you were far from it.