a collection of my thoughts

panicked

i remember from a very young age i was never afraid. i would gladly turn off my light and instead of running back to my bed i would walk, giving time for the monsters to come after me, little did they know i always had an attack plan ready. the whimsical creatures had never seen such a sight and i had convinced myself that my stature and strength scared them off instead of telling myself they were just in my mind. a part of me wished they were real just so i could live to tell the tale.

riding down the street in the new version of whatever was cool wether it be a scooter, skateboard, or etc, i would race down the bumpy concrete. adrenaline took the lead from then on and i prayed for sharp turns to judge my abilities. the wind in my face sent me to a paradise that i would never be able to explain. it felt like i was finally free. hitting the bumpy exterior i would always face the harsh crash and skid. blood gushed down my leg and my salty tears only made it sting more. after being doctored by my father i was told to go slower, but i never listened. scratches and bruises became a necessary accessory.

my hand shot up in class never being afraid to read or shout out an answer that even though i knew was wrong, wouldn't stop me from getting my full elementary experience. kids would giggle at the abomination that spewed from my mouth and while biting down on my quivering lips i reassured myself that i had done nothing wrong and that at least i was trying.

i remember when i met you, i had just walked into a class with nothing but unfamiliar faces and our eyes met. i saw specks of gold even from feet away and suddenly the wind that i experienced while thriving for speed caught up to me and was stuck in my throat. i had never seen anything more breathtaking in my whole entire existence. i was sure the creatures that hid in my closet would even be astonished at such beauty.

that was the first time i had remembered feeling afraid.

i stood in fear and stirred up endless scenarios even though i had just laid my eyes on you. suddenly all the monsters, bloody knees, and the giggles from my classmates hammered their way into my brain, etching themselves into what felt like every single nerve i had. but none of them compared to the panic alarm going off in my head. none of them compared to you.

______

tb to when i had writers block lmao

-kylie