a collection of my thoughts

no good

depression; feelings of severe despondency and dejection. depression is a sadness that is deepened by pain of emotional stress and physical pain. my pit of depression started 3 years ago, but at that time it wasnt a pit. it was a shallow digging hole, a hole deep enough to plant a flower seed but still shallow enough for it to actually grow. i had time to grow and blossom into a beautiful daisy or a rose. a deep velvet rose that raindrops caught onto and was breathtaking in the moment. i had potential. the hole got deeper when i let myself fall in love with one of my best friends. time went on and for the first time in awhile i looked up, you could still see the light at the surface, it was the size of the seed i could've planted myself to be. what i wanted myself to be. i stopped digging in that moment, my hands grew tired and i knew part of me didnt want this, nights became easier and i kept a smile on my face without it feeling fake. i began to climb back up, but going up was much harder than going down, my heart grew heavy and the thoughts consumed me once again and before you knew it i was at the bottom of that goddamn hole. i started to dig again. soon my insides started to deteriorate and my lungs felt like ashes sitting at the bottom of my stomach. i felt lonely. you came from a different direction and told me you were trying to find happiness throughout all this digging, that the calluses on our hands could be made into something beautiful and the dirt on our faces would be our war paint. i believed what you said and we dug together. i was so obsessed with the thought of you and the way you seemed to be everything, that you filled my head with ocean calm currents. i was so consumed in you that i didnt realize we were still digging. i looked up and saw the light had disappeared and darkness left us to drown in our thoughts and you shouldve been enough to lighten up the pit but everything was dark and the only voices i heard were in my head. you were gone and no where to be seen, you left faster than the whisper that left your lips reassuring that you loved me and a part of you always would. i gripped the sides of the dirt wall that crumbled in my hands, dirty tears flowed down my face and chills were sent down my whole body because i swear to god i could feel your presence behind me. i heard your voice play in the back of my mind and sick was a new feeling I endured. you had left me and yes i had left a hole in you but you had left one in me. i was left with hatred and sadness for myself and for you. i hated you and loved you at the same time and i felt disgusted that i had let you in. i might've been surrounded by dirt and was breathing in unsanitary air but you were the only thing that was toxic. the pit started out as a dent in the ground and became a pit that crumbled underneath fingertips. you broke me and left in time so you didnt have to put me together. for me depression was the way you told me you loved me and then turned around and said you couldnt help, depression was the way you were sickly pretty. depression was the way i loved you so much i ended up hating both of us. for me depression was you.

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i apologize for no sections and such, i'm copying these from my notes but as i start to write on here i'll separate them.

-kylie