a collection of my thoughts

nothing personal

sometimes i wish we never would've encountered each others presence. our spiritual pasts merging as one when we realized we weren't alone, we weren't the only ones having the thoughts that made our blood freeze in our veins causing shivers to go through our bodies like electromagnetic waves.

i craved the peaceful nights where i was alone with my thoughts, although dark, no one was able to criticize me the way you did. without being straight forward you used the inflictions of your voice and your judgement filled eyes to rip apart my body and soul altogether. i turned into paper in my own eyes and even though it might be heart wrenching for someone to have a low opinion of you, seeing yourself as broken was the worst form of self hatred.

it felt as if i was trapped in you, my thoughts were blank except for your dreary name written in black ink across my white canvas. you owned me and i wanted to break the restraints, chew the chains, i wanted to break free. instead i would walk the sidewalk and examine the cracks that laid in uneven patterns and would stand there confused on how they managed to remind me of you.

you drove my mind crazy and while sometimes the quiet white noise i used to endure made me feel shattered i would pick that over being insane because at least with jumbled pieces you could still put them back together. when you were crazy thats all you had left, thats all you were.

in the moment we were stellar, i never wanted to be with someone more than i had with you, my wishes began to come true. every shooting star that passed i would chant your name and hoped at the same time you were chanting mine. maybe the childhood myths worked and we were brought together by fate, but if fate brought us together then fate ripped us apart. its then i realized that if this happened to us by the work of the gods that you had to have been wishing for my heart to be glass and you to be the one to carelessly drop it. somewhere in me i was praying for it to be a snap decision still, but either way the pain would still weigh down my shoulders to the point where i was down on the ground getting trampled upon.

i might sit here with my pen and paper and let the anger mix with my words hoping to create a venomous toxin that hurts you if you ever happened to read this but do not let it distract you from how much i loved you.

i loved you so much that i ripped myself apart for you to be happy and sadly it took me so long to know you would never be satisfied. that eventually you would have all of me and would still ask for more. i would never be enough for you, i just wish i would've found that out sooner. i was left with nothing while you had every piece of me acting like it was another worthless nicknack.

love can be a beautiful thing when its done right, but when it disguises as hatred, leaving a trace of its negativity in every step it takes along your body, it turns into a rotted place you call home.

sometimes i wish i could've seen passed your celestial beauty, because maybe if i did so i never would've loved you, or had the chance to loathe you, and maybe we would still be okay.

maybe i would still be okay.

______

i tried to not make this jumbled but thats all my mind is

-kylie