Simple thoughts

My contradiction.

I just realised how contradictory I was.... and it's stupid. I don't like and I don't dislike. I can't empathize yet I pity. I regret my regrets. I feel jealous about others jealousy. I'm envious of anothers life when I'm perfectly satisfied with mine.

I say things I don't mean. I think stuff I don't say. I try to take control of my life but I can't find the steering wheel. It's just spiraling away.

I hurt others and I feel bad. They hurt me and I'm still the only one feeling bad. I'm so tired of this. I lack the feelings I want most and am most sensitive to the feeling I don't want most.

She thought I was strong, well she thought wrong when I broke down. She asked me what was wrong, but how could I explain it to her? It was too complex, too contradictory.

I want to spill the truth, to confide in another, to let the darkness bleed out like a stream. But how can I? How would I go about it? If I can't even understand myself, how can another?

I'm scared of the darkness, of what lurks in it. I welcome the embrace of darkness, it's not yet suffocating, but claustrophobic enough for me.

I fear oblivion, rejection. But I yearn it, to be forgotten, to start anew. I crave proof of my existence, but I don't want to exist.

I want to leave it all behind, but I want to stay bonded. Things tie me down.

I want to start anew, but I want it to stay the same. I fear change, get in always seeking it.

Perhaps a psychiatrist is what I seek.