Those Brown Eyes

XV. The First and Last Time

The first time we touched, I swear I saw the energy between our skin. Out of all the touches I have ever received, there was something about the way you touched me that was so different; but now I'm starting to forget things about you. Like the way you smell, or what your laugh sounds like, even the feel of your skin.

The first time we held hands was like two puzzle pieces fitting together after so long of being alone. Over the years we had tried jamming in pieces that didn't fit, only to ruin our edges. Torn and screwed up, when we found out that we fit perfectly together it felt too good to be true.

The first time we kissed the whole world lit itself on fire and we stood in the middle, unfazed and burning in the embers; I would give anything to live in that moment forever. After the kiss, you pulled away to look at me and just smiled like you couldn't believe how right it was.

The first time we stayed up all night together we had a big fight. It doesn't matter what it was about, but the point is that we came through it stronger and more entwined than before. I guess maybe that's why it hurt so much when we ended; all our fights caused us to become one big tangled mess of you and me and when you walked away you broke us both into a million pieces.

The first time we made love it was a rainy day in October. It was after midnight and the only lights on in my room were the strung-up ones on my ceiling. I had never felt so complete in my entire life than I did on that night. 

The first time you talked about marrying me I remember the rush of excitement that flooded through me. I didn't even need time to think about it; my immediate answer was 'yes'. It was truly amazing to see you so invested in us.

The first time you mentioned breaking up I was on the phone with you. I remember that your voice was traveling to my ear, but I just wasn't registering what you were saying. You wanted me to see other guys, to forget you, and yet you were crying harder than I've ever heard you cry before. I cried too, begging you to stay and work this out.

The first time I saw you after our first breakup I convinced you to rethink things. You held my hand, said you still loved me, and that everything would be okay again. You lied because the next and last time we broke up you screamed at me, telling me you never wanted to speak to or see me again.

What did I do that made you to turn your back on everything we had? What did I do to mess up the first time either of us had truly ever felt love?

Don't let this be the last time, oh God, please no.

I did that thing I said I wanted to do and I'm happy I did it. xx