Those Brown Eyes

XVIII. Reckless Creature

And so I'll let it consume me until I am blind, deaf, and soulless. I have to let it hurt sometimes to remember that I am still capable of feeling because if I don't, I may turn into the emotionless creature that you are.

You promised me the world but now the entire universe is against me. What does that tell me? What am I supposed to do now?

I feel like I'm free falling into the depths of my insanity and I'm tired of tasting blood ever since you stabbed my heart out. The stupid thing is, you're probably already healed by now and I'm the one still broken and bleeding.

Hard rock and vodka are the only things that give me any restitution, and because of that, I refuse to believe that you're never coming back. I've created this fantasy world within myself where you will be my happily ever after no matter what the story.

Since when was I the person to ever not care whether I live or die? I have nothing left to lose, I have nothing left but this damn emptiness. Don't let me become what you are, please.

When I think about you I turn my attention to another boy because no one else is like you. Does that even make sense? I do things that endanger my well-being, and I don't even think twice anymore. Is this what it's like to be you, to not worry about dying because you're already dead inside?

I welcome the feeling of insomnia because it at least makes me feel slightly normal. I'm okay with struggling to breathe because my heart skips beats and shows me that I an still, in fact, alive. My eyes burn with caged tears, ready to be unleashed upon the world. But I won't let them, I won't do that to myself.

Why can't I ever finish one project? Why can't I do anything without overthinking every detail? Maybe that's what I did when we were together and you got fed up with it; maybe that's the real reason you're gone.

I blame myself for the things that happen to me even if they aren't my fault. I am a self-centered monster when I'm not with you.

I try to fill this hole by changing things about myself, doing crazy things to keep my mind off you…and when that doesn’t work I carve lines in my body like ditches. It hurts so bad, blinding, suffocating–not the ditches, my heart.

The emptiness leaves me a dry, hollowed out pile of bones. That's it, that's all I am now without you.

This is extremely short and far from perfect, I'm sorry. Also the song doesn't really have anything to do with this poem but I love it.