Poetry Is Therapy

anxiety

I can feel eyes already judging me, for I'm a black girl with her voice shaking and her English not so fluent, standing right infront of you with the hope of getting a message across, but will I succeed?

Well, I have anxiety that's the start.
I cannot stand standing infront of my mirror and here I am, thinking I'll be able to stand infront of you guys and talk to you about something you already know about...anxiety...

I can feel you thinking at the back of your head, "there we go again, another story of a girl who worries about everything, all the time blah blah blah" because that's what you think anxiety is all about, right?
But it's not, anxiety is second-guessing​ yourself making you feel not good enough, overthinking every situation you've been put through, having your mind and body REFUSING to cooperate nomatter what you know is rational.
Anxiety is like you're being followed, followed by a voice which knows all your insecurities and uses them against you till it gets to a point where it's the loudest voice in the room, the only one you can hear.

But yes, you're right about the first part, this is another story about a girl who fights so hard every single day to shutdown the voices in her head, a girl who can't stand being around people without thinking they are probably judging her every move, a girl who breaks down almost everyday for some things that are likely to never even happen, a girl who's family thinks likes attention by locking herself up and isolating herself not knowing how much she tries to act "normal" as they put it...

This is indeed a story of a girl who resorts to crying when things don't go her way, a girl who most think is just sad, but truth is, she just feels so empty inside that nothing seems to fill her up, a girl who may be completely fine right now and be a complete mess in the next second, yes this is a story about me

I cry myself to sleep, I have very unstable relationships, I drive people away from me yet trying to keep them close, I try to explain myself to people but I fail, because I don't understand what's happening to me sometimes.

I scream so loud and close my eyes and ears and have people asking me what's wrong.
How do I explain that I hear voices in me, voices that argue on their own like I'm not there, voices that are so loud that I cannot even hear my own thoughts?,
How do I explain that I've become so vulnerable to these voices that sometimes, which is always, I end up doing what they want: I scream, I cry and I cut....

I know you want to know if I want to escape, ofcourse I want to but how do I escape from what's in my head?,
I need help