Poetry Is Therapy

What if?

What if the woman who's supposed to be my mother, the one supposed to be there for me, protect me and love me; gave me up to a gang of guys just because all she wanted was a life she could never afford on her own?
What if I told you that my father, the one who's supposed to be the light I follow everyday, the one who's supposed to make me feel safe and secure came into my room unannounced, forced himself into my bed, held my small body in his arms and told me not to scream?
What if I told you he forced himself into me, my private place which didn't feel so private anymore throbbed so much that I once again asked him to stop but all he did was slap me and tell me to keep quiet?
What if I told you my father, my very own flesh and blood threatened to kill me if I ever say a word to anyone about what happened?....What if?

What if I told you I had a brother, a brother I loved so dearly and trusted with my own life?
What if I told you that he had a bet with his friends as to whom will be able to make me scream the loudest?
What if I told you he tied me up on my bed and told me not to move before he let his friends into my room, with me in nothing but my underwear?
What if I told you he stood there and watched as they stripped me naked and looked at me like I'm some sort of meat they all wanna have?

What if I told you he was there, the whole time as they touched my body, taking turns in making me feel vulnerable, dirty and worthless?
What if I told you he, himself, my very own brother held my boob too and thrusted his fingers in me so hard that I begged for him to stop, but instead he replaced that finger with his manhood and yes, right there and then I wanted my life to end?...What if?

What if I told you I had a sister, the one who knew everything about me, my strongest and weakest points?
What if I told you she emotionally blackmailed me to sleep with her boyfriend's​ friend as they came over into our house?
What if I told you she called me a slut afterwards for doing it?
What if I told you that my sister made me watch her having sex with some random guy and told me it was my turn to do the same?
What if I told you the person who took my virginity was somebody I didn't and will never even get to know his name?....What if?

What if I told you fell pregnant and aborted the baby?
What if I told you I consider my self a murderer for what I had done?
What if  I told you that all I see when I go to the mirror is a walking corpse, so empty that nothing can ever fill it up?
What if I told you I have nightmares every night of a baby I never wanted, the one I never had and the one I took away from this life?
What if I told you I miss her or him rather? What if I told you I still pray and ask for forgiveness for what I did for I wasn't thinking straight?
What if I told you I know you're judging me right now but what if, again I told you that child was a product of rape, would you still judge me?

After all, do you still judge me for being so cold and aloof,
After all this do you blame me for wanting to end my life,
I know it could have been worse but this, this right here is enough for me to take my life,
Judge me all you want but I'm gone, never to return,
Tell my faithful friends I'm sorry, they were ALL I had in this world but they weren't enough to make me stay...
I needed to feel loved,
To feel like I belong somewhere, to be happy not only with them but my family as well which wasn't really a family to me,
Let them know I loved them so much and for all that I was, I owe it to them