Letters to no one

Rain

10:08 Tuesday
Dear no one,
Why can't it just rain everyday for the rest of eternity . I happen to like the rain quite a lot. It brings a sense of calming,makes me happier. I don't know why it dose, I have always thought thunder and lighting were absolutely stunning. The way thunder booms throughout the night, the noise it brings to my all too quiet world. Sometimes I find myself staring into the sunny cloudless sky hopping that it will become dark and gloomy. Just so it could maybe match my feelings and make me feel better about myself. Have the loud roars of thunder consume the silence. But then there's lighting you have to actually be outside to see this wonderful phenomenon. It lights up the sky with a beautiful glowing streak, for the smallest second. Just showing there can be even the smallest bit of light in all the dark and dangerous. But then about seven seconds comes the crashing thunder making the world grow louder, combining with the drops of rain sounding as they crash against the ground. I have always found this very calming. The rain just shows how quiet the world can be but yet so loud. There are different types of rain the light sprinkle, the lightly raining, raining, and pouring, then lastly drenched.
My favorite it drenching because you can feel the beat of the rain on your skin. Hear every drop hit the ground. Escape from reality because you can no longer see where your going. It soaks you to the bone leaving a satisfying feeling of comfort that I miss way to much. You see the rain has always been my best way of stress relief, because as long as it's raining it's there. But the rain is very unpredictable and untrustworthy. It could leave a bad feeling when it stops. My world comes crashing back into me. My moment of freedom and relief gone. The rain could stop suddenly and then start again only to stop once more. Once you start to rely on the rain it stops being there and you have to find another source of comfort. But I have none I'm lonely in a world of pain and regret. Trying to blend in but be all to different, and stand out. Everyday on go's the fake laugh,smile,sense of happiness. Because in reality I'm alone. Disliked for being different. But no one seams to notice my unhappiness. I guess I'm just good at faking, I have been doing it for so long. I no longer cry as it shows weakness. Try to get topics away from touchy things, I have gotten good at getting people to talk about other things. This makes me pathetic. There are others that have it way way worse and I'm stuck in my own self pity. Im over here drowning in my own mind. Why can't I just be happy and go on with life. I have a home,food,cloths, but yet I still have a feeling of...........emptiness. I have no purpose, no skills, I'm going no where in life. People question if I'm actually mental. Acting weird is my cover up. But it still hurts a bit when people ask about my mental state. I have never no will I go and have a test done. I'd rather live not knowing I'm crazy than to live thinking I'm insane. And this is what happens when I talk about the rain. I love it dearly, but it always ends the same.
Why am I so empty on the inside?
Thank you for listening even if you don't care
All my love
Nadia o.0