Letters to no one

Selfish

Sunday 9:38pm
Dear no one,
I was doing great. No thoughts of it. Just sometimes I would feel a little down and put it off on being me. Today when I went on a walk to the store I just had a sudden feeling of dread. I crossed the road and they was a car coming and I really really wanted to just stop and let it smash into me. Let my body fly though the air glass bits flying. It would hurt a little bit but then it would be over. I would be fine the pain would soon end I would just see darkness. It used every fiber of my being to keep walking. To not stop and just let it happen. I could have just ended it but I didn't and I think that's grand. But as I sit here in my messy room surrounded by darkness with thoughts I wish would leave... that car doesn't seam so much as a bad idea anymore. I should have just let it hit me. I would have been better off. No pain no thoughts. Al I want to do is run out of this small house to the bridge and just jump. Like I have thought about so so many times. I don't know what's stopping me. Maybe it's because I haven't wrote a letter? I don't know I just wish the thoughts would end. I wish I could be normal. I want up in the morning and be fine. Go to bed at night and fall asleep without thinking about that stupid bridge.
Would it even kill me if I jumped. Is it even high enough. Would I hit the ground and just die or feel the pain before blacking out. I was fine so what happened. Why do I just want to run and jump like it won't affect anyone. That is so selfish. At least that's what I hear it's selfish to kill your self because others will be sad. Isn't that selfish, they want me to live in pain and fake smiles so they can be happy. In my opinion that's the most selfish thing of all. Making someone else live in misery so they can be happy.
       Thank you for listening even if you don't care.
                        All my love.
                         Nadia