March 10, 2014
Dear Diary,
What is love? It's an interesting concept, isn't it? You just feel a great amount of pleasure towards a certain object or being, gaining an attachment, wanted or not. Love is definitely one of those things that is indescribable. You can't put meaning into love, but it can put meaning into you. You just need to let it.
I love a lot of people. I'm just a happy person that doesn't worry about getting hurt so I can allow myself to love everyone. If I worried about being hurt all of the time, I wouldn't be who I am today. That's partially why I didn't want to get romantically involved with someone either. I was hurt when I was younger and I don't want to feel that away again.
Now I'm thinking that maybe I want to try taking that risk again though.
I want to add excitement back into me life. I mean, yeah, I get to travel the world and do an amazing career, but I want someone to share my excitement over that with, adding a bit of their own to mine. Seems like it'd be nice, right?
The lads don't see it, but I notice the way they light up when they talk to their girlfriends. I think Zayn is the worst. He's always on the phone with Perrie. He's never sad when he talks to her either. He's always all smiles and I never see him sad anymore. I'm surprised that they find a way to talk all the time with the time zones always changing for them both. The only time I see him sad is when he doesn't get a response from Perrie that day or he can't call her. He's very respectful about her with the time zones and her career. He's genuinely happy for her and I want someone that I can praise like that.
Louis and Eleanor don't talk as much as they used to because they fight a lot. I notice how distressed Louis is over the situation and that's how I know that he cares for her. Especially because just today, her grandpa passed and she flew out to his a nasty bawling mess, but Louis accepted her with open arms because he loves her no matter what. I want someone where no matter how upset she is with me, she'll come running to me crying too if she's upset.
Liam's situation is a bit more difficult to comprehend because he's confused himself, making everyone else that way too. I mean, he'll always love Danielle and that's something I respect him for. They shared so much together and I'd be disappointed if he just up and dropped her. I want that unconditional love that they shared.
Now though, he's with Sophia and she is a really nice lass. I adore her really, but I know that they're having a really hard time, worse than Louis and Eleanor have ever been. The fans, no matter how amazing they are, just won't accept her and that's heartbreaking to me. She's not as lovely anymore because of this. She always has this wall up and doesn't speak to anyone and it scares me. The only time I ever see that wall disappear is when she doesn't know that she and Liam are being watched because they're alone. She knows that they won't be judged when it's just them and she finds it worth it then. I like that she finds happiness in the time that they can spend alone together and not be bored, another quality that I would like for myself in a girl.
Harry is still single out there like me, but we haven't really gotten a choice in the matter truthfully. At least Harry's allowed to somewhat get out there though as long as management approves of them. They're all somewhat nice people, but definitely not my favorites. He seems to agree with me because he never stays with those lass' long.
I'm not allowed to date in general because I'm the cute adorable one that keeps our popularity growing. Everyone finds me innocent, making the band seem innocent as well. If it wasn't for the look they gave me, we probably wouldn't have half the fans we do now because we don't look ideal at all. I mean, what kind of mother would let her children listen to a band that wears leather jackets, smokes, and has facial hair? Not many. If you don't know our personalities and stuff then we look dangerous, like we'd teach bad things.
I don't want to keep this cute, single, innocent image of a lad who is the boy band of the century. I just want to keep the image of myself, being happy with someone who adores me. That'd teach good values too, right?
I don't know.
I don't know anything anymore to be honest.
All I know is that I finally want to settle down and I don't care what management says. I want to be grounded with someone who's original and I know won't leave me. Obviously, she wouldn't be a model or another singer. She'd travel too much and I couldn't have my anchor knowing that everybody would want her. I know it's selfish of me, but it's true.
I know it's too much to ask for.
All I want is to date one of me fans.
I'm going to hit the sack now though because I'm letting me mind run wild with these endless possibilities. I've read too many fanfictions myself. Hahaha. Who says hahaha in a journal? I'm obviously tired. Night.
Niall xx
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A/N: Another teaser(; This chapter kind of sucked, but it's still a bit more insight. Keep giving me ideas for the love interest. She may make an appearance in the next two chapters, but that can't happen if she doesn't have a name!
Alex xx
