March 16, 2014
Dear Diary,
I’m finally back with me mates, readjusting to the tour life that’s going to be beginning soon. I’m kind of excited to be heading back onto tour again, writing music and just having an overall good time even though I’ll be missing me family and mates back home.
It’s worth it though.
This is life that I’m living is worth it even though it may not seem that way sometimes.
Josie is happy that I’m going to be reunited with some old friends. She still doesn’t really know that I’m, well, me. I don’t want to just tell her out of the blue and have her freak out and tell everyone that it’s me. Nobody would know the real me. I want to trust her and have her genuinely like me as just a normal person. I sort of need to tell her that I’m a boy though soon. I can’t leave her this into the dark.
I really like Josie.
I mean, yeah it sucks that she has a boyfriend already ‘cos it would’ve been nice to get to know her that way. It just wasn’t meant to be, but I’m okay with that. I’m talking to a lot more girls too, even some guys. They just aren’t as memorable as Josie though because they stop talking to me quick or don’t want to get to know about me like she does.
I really am attached to her quickly. I can’t help it though. She’s sort of funny, or at least when she tries (she’s not funny at all, but that’s okay. Neither is Harry). She kind of just understands me on a weird level and I want to keep it that way ‘cos it’s nice.
I’m not going to steal her away from her boyfriend or anything. I couldn’t even imagine what I’d do if I lost a lass like Josie just because some stupid bloke from another country liked her as well.
I know that’s a possibility for him considering that he’s going to college over here in the U.K. and she can’t decide where she’s going to go(her friend is trying to get her to go to the one in U.K. too, but she has other offers). Her friend seems pretty cool too.
I think that I’m going to tell her about the fact that I’m, indeed, not a female tomorrow. I just don’t know how she’ll take it. I don’t want her to shut me out or anything, you never know which lass is going to have a “wall” up now days. I just don’t want to build our relationship based on the fundamentals of lies. I couldn’t handle a betrayal like that. It’d be difficult knowing that something you’ve always thought is wrong.
I would know.
That’s a whole other subject I don’t even want to touch on though ‘cos it’ll just make me beyond angry and I don’t want that. I’m over it now anyways.
Who am I kidding?
I’m not over it and I don’t think I will ever be over it. She was just dumb and I was even dumber to have anything to do with her. The whole situation just sucks…..I don’t even know what to call this stupid journal.
I feel like I’m talking to myself in a sort of sense and I don’t like that. I need a name for this inanimate object that just happens to hold all of me feelings, thoughts, and soon enough, secrets. I just need a better place to hide this darn thing before the lads find it. I can’t even imagine how bad they’d tease me if they did. That can never happen. Ever.
Ugh.
I really do overthink everything.
I’m going to go and write with some of me mates and maybe even give the lads from 5 Seconds of Summer a ring, yeah? Yeah that sounds about right. I haven’t had a good laugh in awhile and I miss those stupid blokes.
Their new song is really good though.
I’ll find a name for this damn journal tomorrow. Wow my thoughts are really jumbled. I’m just excited ‘cos I’m close to finding someone again! It’s been such a long time to be honest. I just need to be patient ‘cos all good things come with time.
That’s another thing that Josie has taught me. She laughs at how “impatient” I am. She’s always blabbering on with her “patience is a virtue” bullshit that just makes me laugh every time although I should probably start looking into it.
I seriously wonder if she’d be this open, as in arguing and telling me things, if she knew that I was a bloke. Hell, I can’t even imagine what she’d do if she found out I was Niall touring the world with me mates. I really just need to work my way towards that subject. It can’t really wait too long ‘cos I don’t even want to imagine how she’d react and I don’t want to get too attached if she’s just going to leave me real fast.
That’s it.
Tomorrow, I’ll tell Josie I’m a dude.
~~
A/N: This chapter was sort of bad, but I’ve been so busy lately that I haven’t had time to write anything. I legit threw this together in like, five minutes. I’ll try to write some tomorrow, but I have a job interview so we’ll see!
Alex xx
P.s. the chapters will get longer, I pinky swear.
