June 25, 2014
Dear James,
I made my decision. It took a lot of thinking. I would stay up all day and night just contemplating what to do until I felt sick to my stomach. It really isn't a nice feeling. I started getting really bad headaches and I always felt really dirty and mucky.
I was starting to lose myself again.
Fuck man. I started tweeting all of this depressing shit that made me fans worried sick as to of if I was okay and I felt bad, but I needed a vent and social media is always that vent. Fuck Modest! and their opinions on my life anymore. They can control my career mostly, but that's it. If I want a woman, I'm getting myself a woman. If I want to tweet depressing shit, then I'll tweet depressing shit. If I want to get drunk off of my arse, I'll drink until I'm sitting on my arse, not able to get up.
Yes, I did start drinking again.
I just didn't know of a way to vent my thoughts correctly or help me think clearly, something the alcohol helped me with. I felt relaxed and was able to think things through more clearly. When I was drunk and thought about this, I didn't end my nights wanting to rip my hair out. It was a nice refresher and it really did clear me mind about what I was going to do.
I made my decision.
I'm proud of meself in a way because it only took me five days to pick between the most amazing girls on the planet and I did it. Most other blokes would just keep them both and string them along or just never decide, but I did. I fucking did it and now I'm going to receive a little heartbreak from the loss, but that's okay. I deserve it.
Just the thought of never seeing my little Spanish princess again sickens me, but I had to of known this was coming.
Estelle was my first since Carrie. Yes, she still knows almost nothing about me, but we get on so well. She was the first one that I had opened up to and she didn't judge me for it at all. Well, technically she doesn't know anything about the whole Carrie situation, but she was the first one that I ever tried with and for that she is my now.
Yes, she may have left me, but she came back. She came back and explained everything. That's all that matters. We love each other and that's what makes her the choice for right now. I don't plan on marrying her in the future, but she's the one for me right now. She's me perfect angel and I love her.
Of course, I love Elizabeth still too.
Elizabeth is like me silent rock, always there when I needed her. I know that she probably won't be anymore, but I brought this upon meself and I'm prepared for the consequences. I'm always going to miss her because I do tend to love her quite a bit. Life without her is going to be difficult, especially not knowing how things are going for her, but I know it's the right thing. She can do so much better than me. Now she won't have to deal with someone who's constantly fighting his feelings. She can find someone who truly makes her happy.
That's the only thing that's allowing me to get through this without dragging out my decision.
I know that she's wanted and that she'll find someone to love her the way that I never did. She'll find a bloke that'll give her what I couldn't and that's all I've ever wanted for her. She's going to be fine and okay. Josie will make sure of that.
Estelle and I will be fine.
Everything is going to work itself out like it always has for me.
It's all going to be okay.
Niall xx
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A/N: Nestelle or Nizabeth?
Only a few more chapters to go guys. I'm not sure that I'm prepared lol
Alex xx
