June 20, 2014
FUCK!
Why? Why did things have to turn in to shit again? Things were just starting to get good until last night. Everything is great between Elizabeth and I. We've been dating for around a month now, a little more even. It's been complete bliss. I can actually tell that she adores me by the way that she acts. We went on a few more dates, getting to know each other before I had to come back and tour again with the lads. Just from Face Timing I know every single one of her quirks. I know that when she's awkward or doesn't know how to respond, she'll just stare at you, blushing a bit. She doesn't look away when she's embarrassed. I know that she loves her family more than anything, especially her youngest sister who she practically raises as her own. I know that she doesn't run her fingers through her hair unless it's bothering her due to the length of it. I know that she has reading glasses that she tends to wear more and more due to her worsening eyesight. I know that she likes to chew gum after every meal so she doesn't have bad breath. She likes to buy things for her friends, expecting nothing in return. I know all of these little things and as crazy as it sounds, I trust her. It's as if I've know her my whole life.
Hell, I'm ready to get serious with her or at least I was. I was going to ask her to be me girlfriend next time I saw her, but that can't exactly happen now. I feel so fucked up, but could you blame me?
Fucking Estelle of all people messaged me on twitter last night.
She explained everything to not only me, but her followers. She wasn't in trouble as the lads had told me at the very beginning. She had gone to a summer camp type thing with her church. She wasn't told about it until the day before so she had no time to tweet us that she was leaving because she was packing. She also expected their to be internet up there and was surprised when there wasn't. How could I still be mad at her for that? Her disappearance wasn't her fault.
Then she tells me that she misses me.
All of the time that I spent building up a wall so I can escape my feelings towards her, any feelings like that against anyone besides Elizabeth really, just come back. Those three words brought it all back and I want to jump off of a cliff.
What the fuck am I supposed to do if I'm falling for Elizabeth, but still have major feelings for Estelle?
How am I supposed to tell her that I've moved on? She still thinks that we're practically still together too. I don't want to break up with Elizabeth or Estelle even though I'm not dating any of them. I don't know what the hell I've gotten meself in to, but I want out now.
My heart and mind are playing a game of tug of war, neither winning over what I should do. It's like fire and ice, battling. Neither of the two components are bad and you can't really favor one of them. If you had one without the other, the world would turn in to an apocalypse and I'm not ready for that. Which ever lass I end up choosing in the end is going to make me fucking broken either way.
Yes, I know I have to choose. I'm not fucking dumb. I can't lead them both on even though Estelle doesn't know about Elizabeth yet. I told Elizabeth everything and I knew she was a little bit upset and flat out said that we weren't serious so I could do whatever I wanted, but I knew that she was sad and heartbroken. I didn't want to lie to her at all. Lying to her would make me almost physically sick.
How the hell am I supposed to pick between breathing and dying? How am I supposed to pick which is which? How am I supposed to know if I'm on the right track?
The lads are laughing at me, telling me that I shouldn't have moved on in the first place. They keep going on telling me that they were right and that she was okay the whole time. They keep saying that I overreacted and put meself in this situation.
And they're right.
They've always been right.
If I would have been patient and waited, I would officially be dating Estelle None of this drama would be taking place. It would have been so much simpler, but I don't regret a single thing I did. I like Elizabeth, a lot. I wouldn't give up what has happened between us so far for anything.
Life is perfect when I'm with Elizabeth, but Estelle is my first since Carrie. She has a special place in my heart and I can't change that. I never could and it doesn't bother me that I can't either. Fuck this is such a fucked up situation. The lads are no help and I know that Josie would be biased in this situation. The only person who I could trust to even give me some advice in this situation would be Elizabeth and that isn't fair to her on any level.
What the hell am I supposed to do?
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A/N: Poor Niall. Who do you think he's going to pick? You'll be shocked ;)
Alex xx
